#B•I•T•C•H: double wahala – Episode 15



“3… 2… 1… Action!!!” E.A yelled from behind the camera. The guests – P-cube and 3Face had arrived and were already sitted on the stage with Zainab, ready to roll.

“Good evening! You are welcome to another brand new exciting episode of your favourite relationship talk show – single and married, and am your host, Zainab Anderson,” Zainab started talking, having the camera focused on only her, she indeed look more beautiful on camera than in person. “Today’s episode is special one so we have decided to go the extra mile by inviting two of the biggest names in the music industry as we know it today.” She paused for a bit and let the right wing camera to be activated, “at my right hand side, we have the “African Princess” coroner and multi award winning singer, 3face!”

3face was clad in the simplest way, wear a casual blue jeans and black V neck top, he had a modest personality, little wonder why the whole Nigeria loved him.

He noticed the camera was now on him so he smiled and said, “gracias, thank you very much! Na 3baba they here so! Life and direct, nothing they happen!”

Zainab took another pause and the left view camera was activated, “and on my left, we have the most cute twins in the industry, they’ve over a hundred hit tracks and awards to their name and have been around for a very long time, I present to you, P-cube!”

P-cube on the other hand, as stated earlier is a duo, or group made of two brothers. They were clad in clothing that seemed to look like what people from other planet wore, it had pieces of metals here and there, and was totally black, – who wears clothes with so much metal on it, na armour?… “Derenle” would have be proud of them if he saw them.

The camera was on them so they replied, “Hey hey hey! My name is Prosper … And my name is Philip… And together we are Ppppp-cube! Somebody say personally!” They both replied in a simultaneous manner, they obviously practised their introduction before coming to the show.

“Now that we know our guests better, let’s go for a short commercial break, don’t go nowhere,” Zainab said and from no where… “3.. 2… 1 … And.. Cut!!! We have four minutes top” E.A yelled.

Suddenly, the stage was crowed with the make-artists, script writers and of course, E.A. While the make-up artists was busy combing 3face moustache and powdering Prosper of P-cube face simultaneously, the script writers where instructing Zainab on the next line of questioning, E.A just stood on a spot staring, he was anxious, this was the first time he was having celebrities on his show and he wanted it to go well at all cost.

E.A glanced at his wristwatch and saw the time was almost up, “Okay, that it, we roll in 5.. 4..3…” Everybody ran out of the stage and went behind the camera, waiting for the next commercial break. “2..1.. Action!!”

“Welcome back. So on today episode, I’m going to be interviewing our guests on s3x, love and relationships. So my my first goes to you…” She turned to 3face, “Okay, go ahead” 3face replied.
“The question is this, is s3x a top priority in relationships?”

3face looked surprised, he didn’t expect such direct question to be thrown at him, as a popular celebrity, he was not just known for his music but also impregnating over five different girls, he was a record holder of some sort.
“Hmmm, this one is hard oh,” he exclaimed, and everyone in the studio chuckled. “Well, from the way I view it, s3x no be compulsory something for relationship. What really matters is love and s3x is just a bonus, shey you they feel me?” He asked Zainab and she nodded sheepishly even though she had no idea what he was talking about.

“Okay, thank you 3face for that insightful response”

“Don’t mention, nothing they happen,” the way he somehow infused “nothing they happen” to his sentences was amazing.

“So over to you guys P-cube, this isn’t part of the question, but if I may ask, why is there a “cube” in your name when you just two in number, wouldn’t “square” have been a better name?” Zainab asked, she had been longing to ask that question.

Prosper, who was obviously the talkative replied, “well, we are actually triplets, we have a sister, and when we started doing music, she sang with us, but quitted somewhere along the line, since P-cube was already a brand name, we decided to use it like that”

“Okay okay, I get it. Anyway, this question is directed to Philip”

Philip cleared his throat and smiled to the camera.

“Philip, you have voted the hottest male celebrity last year and this year consecutively, and as expected, there would be more ladies crawling for your attention, how do you manage this, considering the fact that you have a girlfriend?”

Philip cleared his throat and chuckled shyly, Zainab chuckled too, “well, firstly its actually “fiancee”, we got engaged last week. And concerning your question, I don’t mean to sound arrogant but the ladies have always been there na, its not a new thing, the only thing that matters is that I know what I want and I’m focused. By the way, you were voted the sexiest female celebrity too, weren’t you?” He asked grinning, Zainab could sense where he was heading to and knew she had to reply smartly.

“Err.. I think so.. Anyway, thanks for your response. Now over to you Prosper…” She quickly changed the topic. Prosper adjusted on his seat, it was getting hotter.

“So prosper, there were some rumours about you releasing a s3xtape, how true is that?” Zainab asked.

Prosper suddenly started laughing, no one knew why he was laughing but everyone joined him, maybe it was just a way to reduce the tension.
“I’m going to be as clear as possible. I DID NOT RELEASE ANY S3X TAPE, I’ve seen the tape everyone has been talking about and the person in the tape sure look like me thanks to photoshop, but that isn’t me! my lawyers are working on something, the people who did this won’t go free,” Prosper ended with a tone of finality and Zainab didn’t need to be told not to push it further.

“Okay, so back to you 3face…” She glanced at her script and without exactly reading it, she asked, “the rumour going around now is, you have impregnated another girl again, how true is that?” Zainab asked

If 3face was offended by this question, then he was doing a horrible job in hiding his anger, as a matter of fact he suddenly started grinning and in his most melodious voice, he sang an excerpt from one of his hit tracks, “if nobody talks about you, then you are nobody, wiether na true or weither na LIE…” He made sure Zainab got the message before adding, “that’s all. Nothing they happen”

Zainab was speechless, she just turned to the camera and said, “okay, we would go for a short commercial break now, when we come back, we would open the phone lines and let you guys call in to ask those questions I know you have been dying to ask.” “3.. 2…1… Cut!!!” E.A yelled as usual, he seemed to be enjoying this producer duty today that he wasn’t actually on the stage.

The make up artists, script writers and E.A, once again flooded the stage, only this time, E.A had something to say to Zainab.

He ordered the script writers to give them privacy, then he looked down at Zainab as she sat down, then even though he was aware that Zainab was all ears he still called her name, “Zainab!”

Zainab somehow felt she had done something wrong.

* * * * *

Meanwhile at Jummy’s office, Jummy was faced with an arguably tougher situation, she was at the verge of loosing her Job.

Mrs Ogbonaya looked her deep in the eyes and could see she was scared, she grinned- her plan was going as planned.

“Miss Olukoya, are you deaf or you just don’t want to answer my question?” Mrs Ogbonaya asked.

“Errr.,. What is the question again ma?” Jummy replied, trying to stall a little.

“Are you incompetent?” Mrs Ogbonaya replied irritably.

Jummy took a deep breath, if she was going down, she wasn’t going down without a fight, after all she did graduate from law school, it would be a shame if she couldn’t speak her mind even though it was obvious her faith has been sealed.

“Ma, well, it depends on what you mean by incompetent. If incompetent means working my black arse day in day out in this company for the past five years without actually causing a harm of any sort, then I guess I’m really incompetent or if incompetent means ensuring that the other employees of this company performs their duty properly even though it isn’t really my duty, then I guess am totally incompetent. For the record, this is the first offence I have committed and as explained earlier, I had an accident, a serious one. So if you fire incompetent people like me for being incompetent then just do it and let me get the hell out of here, I’ve always wanted to try out using my law degree to do something that’s actually law related anyway.” Jummy concluded, she was in rage, and smoke was literally coming out of her head.

Mrs Ogbonaya was stunned for for over a minute, they both starred at each other in total silence, only God knew what was going on in their mind.

Mrs Ogbonaya finally broke the silence when she picked of the intercom and called her secretary, “Minna, bring the letter to my office.”

“Which letter ma?” Minna asked.

“The one I told you to type earlier today, concerning Miss Olukoya”

“Okay ma, I’ll be there in a minute,” Minna hung up and literally ran into Mrs Ogbonaya office with the letter in her hand.

As she walked by, Jummy tried to read the facial impression of Minna, but got nothing, Minna obviously had other things in her mind other than the plight of a low level staff like Jummy, or so she thought.

Mrs Ogbonaya opened the letter and read it to herself, she folded it back into the envelope and handed it over to Jummy, “That would be all for now,” she replied with a straight face, it was difficult to tell if she was trying to hide a frown or smile, but a frown seemed more suitable.

Jummy took the letter and walked out of the office, she knew her worst fears had just come to pass.

She went to her desk and laid her head on her table… She started crying.

Just then her phone rang! She reluctantly raised her head up and checked the screen of her phone, the number was strange so she just picked it anyway.


“Yea, hello, is this Jummy?”

“Yes this is she, who am I speaking to please?” Jummy replied in a low tone and sniffed.

“Oh, hi Jummy, this is John, remember me? Oh wait, are you crying or something?”

“Me cry.. Why would I?”

“I don’t know, you tell me, am all ears, I would come over to your house now if you don’t tell me o,” John threatened jokingly and ran to his bedroom before Samuel stabbed him with a knife for calling her.

“Oh, you don’t know my house,” Jummy replied, in a manner that seemed more like a question.

“I’m a very determined guy, finding your house would be the least of my problem, so tell me, why are you crying?”

“Okay, if you insist. I just got fired!” Jummy replied.

“Fired from what and where?” John asked sounding confused.

“My work place dummy!” Jummy replied angry.

“OH MY GOSH!!!” Was all John could say.


ff @OfficialChistar


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