#B•I•T•C•H – Episode 18



“Caro your body necessary… Caro carry leave story… Caro they make my head they turn… Caro they make want to loose am… Caro they make my head they bang… Caro they make my head they scatter… I’m looking for Caro…” Those were lyrics from L.A.X and Wizkid hit track, which blared from the speakers which were strategically placed round the “Club Underground, Lagos Island”.

*** (I’m still wondering what tha fucck L.A.X was doing on that track. I don’t mean to beef but wasn’t obviously the first track which would have brought him to the limelight but he sang just one verse and left wizkid to do the rest, am pretty sure most people fast forward the song when it gets to L.A.X verse… Okay, I’m already talking off point, maybe I’ll write a complete music review on this song and post it on my blog – just a thought;D”) ***

Anyway, as Zainab and Jummy stormed into the club, it seemed like time froze for a split second as everyone turned to stare at them in total silence, a waiter who was passing by with a tray filled with drinks collided into a couple who were dancing like their lives depended on it and BOOM!!!… Well, I’ll leave you to imagine what happened to the waiter afterwards, just know that he spent the next 6 months in a hospital.

Jummy and Zainab were both aware of what their presence in the club was doing to all the men and they both smiled as the waved their hips while heading to the bar.

They got there, sat down and the bar tender finally came to attend to them.

“Can I take your orders please?” He asked in the most polite way he could, he wanted to give a good impression.

“Err.. I’ll have the usual,” Jummy replied.

Zainab was shocked, “the usual? You mean you’ve been here before?”

“You no think say I go just carry anyhow club na…” Jummy replied.

The waiter was getting impatient, couldn’t they place their orders and talk later? He wondered, “do you need anything ma’am?” He asked Zainab.

“Oh! Am sorry, just bring two of anything my friend her says is the “Usual,” thanks.”

“Are you sure you want to drink what I ordered too?” Jummy asked, not exactly because she cared though.

“If you can drink it and make it the usual, then I can drink it too na! After all it can be as bad as that drink I drank some days ago at ‘Spot One’,” Zainab replied, reminding Jummy of that drink she drank on the night she and a certain Clement got intimate.

“Okay oh, its your problem, so where are the cute guys na, or aren’t we attractive enough? This one no guy has approached us yet…” Jummy asked.

“Don’t worry, just give it a little time… Time my friend,” Zainab replied with grin, she sounded convincing and sure.

* * * * *

Meanwhile, at the other end of the same club sat three guys: Henry, Mathew and Oscar, they were talking and of course, drinking.

Amongst the three, only Henry wore sunshades – its funny how people where sunshades to a night club, what an Irony?.

Anyway, Henry was a fairly tall and hadsome guy of 29, “beans” brown in complexion and he had that kind of lips that would make you want to kiss him. Below his left ear, on his neck, was a tattoo; the tattoo looked like a cross if viewed from the front and like a star if view from the rare, the artist who drew it definitely did a swell job.

Mathew on the other hand, was almost as tall as Henry and of the same age grade, but was “M.T.N” yellow in complexion, he had already lost count of the amount of times people mistook him for an albino, and yes, he wasn’t bad looking atall.

Thirdly, Oscar was sorta like the exact opposite, he was roughly the same height with a maltina bottle – okay, I agree that am just exagerrating but you get the idea, don’t you? He also a swollen lip which looked like he had hit the lip on something hard, or maybe he was involed in a fight, who knows?

They were among the host of guys who were spell bound by the appearance of Jummy and Zainab.

Oscar was the one who broke the spell as he spoke first, “buts guys, did you see those two hot chicks that just walked into the club few minutes ago?” He asked the others.

“Oh boy, I see them oh, chai! That fat one yansh na die!!! E be like Julius Berger trailer,” Mathew responded almost immediately, he seemed to be anxious.

“I they tell you!!! That “lepa” one come fine die and her b0obs no be here!!!” Oscar added.

“The bad thing be say, them pass our level, if we go follow them talk now, them fit slap us oh,” Mathew said.

“Abi oh, I no know why we even come this kind club self, the girls wey get levels, get levels scatter. The girls wey no get levels, be like ashewo!” Oscar said with remorse.

“You just talk my mind now now, see that ashewo for that corner self,” Mathew said, pointing towards the direction.

“No mind the mumu girl, she just they allow that bad guy press hin br3ast because of hin buy malt for am…” Oscar added, “forget that girl first, I for like follow those two hot chick talk na,” he said, trying not to change the topic.

Mathew suddenly bursted out in an uncontrollable laughter, “Guy no think am! Ordinary ‘hi’, you no fit talk.”

“Wetin be your own na, I just they talk my mind, who talk say I wan actually do am?” Oscar asked, already frustrated.

Oscar suddenly starred at Henry who had been quite all through their discussion and just sipping his red label wine in peace. Judging from his calm behaviour and choice of drink, he seemed to be a lot different from the other two. The other two guys were busy drinking beer.

“Guy, why you they quiet na? Abi the girls yansh don make you deaf and dumb?” Mathew asked.

“Eh? Wetin you just talk?” Henry asked.

“Hin say, your mama don born new pikin,” Oscar replied sarcastically.

Henry mind seemed to be somewhere else, he just mumbled what Oscar just said in confusion, “mama? Pikin? Born? Wetin you they talk self?”

Oscar and Mathew both started laughing at Henry, while he just starred at them in confusion.

“Guy, you no see those chicks wey just enter club now now?” Oscar finally asked, when the were done with laughing.

“Oh! Na those girls they make una piss for una pant?” Henry asked and started his own round of laughter.

“Make we set 100k say you no fit follow them talk now!” Oscar replied in annoyance.

“Oya na! Set am! I go carry that slim one number come now now self as a bonus,” Henry boasted.

“God save you say I no hold cash here, I for chop your money,” Henry replied, genuinely sad.

“I no hold cash here self, I go drop my Iphone! Since na useless phone you they use, just drop your car keys! You go use the 50k bail am when I win!” Henry urged on, he seemed sure of himself.

“Oya na! I no wan hear abeg oh or biko when I chop your money oh, if you never bail am in 3 days time, I go enter computer village, sell the phone oh! You agree?” Oscar added.

“Deal! I agree,” Henry replied and then handed over his phone to Mathew, Oscar did the same to his car keys. Mathew was expected to act as the “boardman.”

NB: boardman in this context simply means a refere and judge.

As soon as Mathew had made sure both Oscar and Henry knew the predicament of what they were about to do and let them know about the rules, he gave Henry the go ahead, Henry stood up and headed to the bar where Zainab and Jummy, who were the “hot chicks,” were sitted.

* * * * *

Meanwhile, AT THE BAR.

“So how was your day by the way na? I’m sure you and that Prosper guy of P-cube would have at the very lease exchanged numbers.. I trust you na…” Jummy said to Zainab.

“Collect number ke? Abeg change the topic, I don’t want to talk about it…”

“Hmmm, you would gist me later on sha, that’s all I know,” Jummy replied.

“Whatever, enhen, I’ve spoken with that lawyer oh, that Boniface guy, funny to think that I was expecting one old man that would probably be ugly too…”

“Isn’t Boniface an old man?” Jummy asked, she had picture Boniface in the same manner as Zainab.

“Tah! He is far from old oh, the man is H.A.N.D.S.O.M.E! To the core!” Zainab took her time to spell out the word, “to be frank with you, I even undresses him with my eye.”

“E be like say I go follow you go your next meeting oh, how did the meting go anyway?”

“It was annoying at the beginning but it got better and I guess everything is now in order, he is working of getting an arrest warrant presently,” Zainab replied.

“Oh! Arrest ke? Arrest who? Richard?” Jummy was alarmed.

Zainab was about to say; “Yes na! Don’t you know…” When the waiter arrived with their drinks, she was cut short.

Henry who was already close enough to Zainab by now, slipped on the seat beside Zainab and grinned at her even though she wasn’t even looking at him.

“And I thought I was the only one who drank ‘Ice on the block’ in here,” Henry said to Zainab referring to the drink she held.

Zainab was startled, “Were you talking to me? What did you say?” She asked as she turned to him.

“I’m talking about your drink, ‘Ice on the block,’ its my favourite, I didn’t know beautiful ladies drink it too,” he rephrased.

“Hmmm, so this drink has got a name?” Zainab replied indifferently.

“Yea, it does, its just a mixture of about four different drinks and its exclusive to just this club, or maybe I just haven’t seen it anywhere else…” He explained.

“Oh, seems you know quiet a lot, that’s good to know,” Zainab replied, still indifferently, she hadn’t even looked at him properly.

“Just taste it first and then you would understand better,” he pushed, and was amazingly still grinning.

“Okay, if you say so,” Zainab replied and took a sip of the drink, it’s taste was superb! Confusing though, but still superb, she turned to Henry and smiled, “it tastes err errr…” She couldn’t find the right word to describe it.

“Don’t bother, I know how you feel. Am Henry by the way,” he replied and stretched his hand for Zainab to shake him.

Zainab leaned back a little and gave him the “body check,” the body check is just something girls do to guys who approach them, they take a quick picture of the guy’s complete appearance and let their brain process the shoes, belt, hair style, clothes and even wrist watch, then if the guy meets up to their standard, they might consider the guy but if not, they just ignore the guy.

In Henry’s situation, Zainab gave him a pass mark of seventy out of a total of hundred. She took his hand and shook him, “and am Zainab”.

“Yes!” He said to himself, “all that remains now Is to get your number, I might as well have some fun while am at it,” he thought.

Jummy was already tickling Zainab leg to remind her she was still by her side, Zainab got the message.

“Oh, I forgot my manners, meet my friend, Jummy…” She pointed to Jummy, Henry stretched his hand towards Jummy, she took it and he introduced himself to her, afterwards he turned back to Zainab and tried to start a conversation.

“So what are two beautiful ladies like you guys doing here on a monday night? I thought cute girls only visit clubs on fridays?” Henry asked, hoping Zainab would get he was trying to complement her.

“Errr… We just celebrating something,” she replied, she didn’t think it would be right to give him the full gist.

Henry saw an opportunity and he jumped into it, “Oh! Then you are very lucky,” he replied

“Why?” Jummy replied looking confused.

“Am the party rocker! You both came here to celebrate, so why are you sitting down?” Henry asked and without waiting for a response, he stood up and held Zainab’s hand.

In a mocking tone, he asked, “would you dance with me?”

Zainab was about to refuse out of courtesy when Jummy jumped in and said, “go jhur, I’ll be fine, trust me”

“Okay then, if you say so!” She then turned to Henry and said, “hope you know how to dance?”

Henry laughed, “I’ll let you find out yourself.”

They both walked to the dance floor to the amazement of both Henry’s friends who were watching from a distance and other guys in the club who were still staring at the “hot chicks.”

Just like clock work, the D.J instantly changed the song to Davido’s Skelewu and the whole club went wild. People who were sitting stood up and started dancing, those on the dance floor went all haywire on the track.

Jummy wasn’t left in the dark, minutes later, a certain Clinton guy walked up to her and another few minutes later, they joined Zainab and Henry on the dance floor.

Henry did a good job and soon enough, Zainab was tired soon enough so they went back to the bar and talked a for a longer time. Clinton and Jummy later joined them and they all got talking.

* * * * *

They were all having so much fun that didn’t even notice how far time had flown. Jummy eventually got tired and needed to go home so she could catch some sleep, after literally begging Zainab for about thirty minutes, Zainab finally accepted, so she, Jummy, Clinton and Henry all walked out of the club staggering like drunk people.

They got to the car park and walked to the exact spot they had parked the car but the car was no more, they magically became sober immediately.

“Jummy, was it not here we parked the car?” Zainab asked looking confused.

“Err.. Ye.. I think so..” Jummy stuttered.


ff @OfficialChistar


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