Why I Want To Be Bad 6














Death is not as it’s portrayed in movies. It is not fun at all, you are not on a queue waiting to be judged by Peter who holds the book of life to know if you’re going to heaven or hell. It is not even filled with light and it is definitely not immaculate. Its darkness. Pitch-black darkness. Your eyes are open but you can see nothing, you are still breathing too but you are alone in a very big pitch-black room with no walls. It is awful.

I know this because I am dead… Or, at least I was dead for a few minutes before the doctors resuscitated me.

“You are lucky to be alive Miss Mary,” the doctor had said to me as I finally woke up. I noticed a pint of blood was being transfused into my blood stream through a drip.

I believed the doctor because I knew I would have remained dead if Henry hadn’t stopped gazing at my half-conscious body as I laid on the ground and been wise enough to rush me to a nearby hospital. Every other person who was at the scene was too shocked to move and in as much as I would like to be angry at them for letting me almost die, I can’t because I understand their reasons – I had not exactly acted as the most rational person in existence and I owe you all an explanation so here’s what really happened. Please note that I’ll use the word “rational” a lot in this description.

So you know I am pregnant and my baby’s daddy is my boyfriend’s roommate, Henry, right? Well, I was confused at the realization of this fact and did what any rational person would have done – I called Henry.

Henry rationally came over immediately and let me lay down my complaint before he irrationally stood up and left my house without saying a single word to me. I became extremely confused, who acts like that anyway?

I usually pace when I’m nervous, scared, confused or basically have a sudden rush of emotions, so I paced round my small apartment for minutes in confusion as I thought of what Henry had meant by his actions.

Is that a way of saying he doesn’t want to have anything to do with baby? I started to think. I know we are not dating and we should not have had sex, viewing it from a moral point of view, but we had sex without protection and no amount of denial can abort the baby in my womb. On second thoughts maybe it’s not really a big deal, maybe that’s just how he reacts to situations like this and he might have gone to look for a solution to our little problem, but what can be solution to this problem? Contraceptives? No! It’s too late for that, I’m already pregnant. Abortion pills? That could work but do I really want to have an abortion knowing people damage their wombs in the process or at the very worst, die. So what then is the perfect solution? Henry can just deny me and the baby and that would be his escape route but what would be my own escape route now that getting rid of the baby is not really an option? My dad would be so disappointed and my mum would finally get to say “I told you so,” she did tell me so.

“Oh my God!” I finally thought out loud at this point as I recalled I hadn’t even thought about my parents. I suddenly felt a rush of blood into my head and legs almost immediately became jelly. I was having a nervous breakdown and I knew I needed to sit and give my brain a break before I slumped to the floor so I sat down but I was too worried to stop thinking.

It was all over for me I thought. I had pictured sex as a heavenly act and have always wanted to do it. I have always wanted to be called a complete woman, a fun lady, a “jasi” girl, I have always want to be bad but to at what end? I asked myself rhetorically.

Just then, I heard a knock at door and before I could answer, the person turned the door knob and walked into my house, I had forgotten to lock it when Henry left. It was my neighbor and fairly good friend, Amaka.

“Babes you get Maggi?” She asked as she walked straight to my kitchen. I wondered why she asked in the first place if she was going to check anyway. I kept quiet.

She soon came out of my kitchen with two cubes of Maggi in her hand and was about to leave when she turned to stare at me for the first time. She paused.

“What’s wrong?” She asked as she came closer to me and sat beside me on the bed. “Why are you crying?”

“I’m not crying,” I replied as I wiped my eyes only to realise that some liquid was on my face. I was so deep in my thoughts that I didn’t realise I had started crying.

“What’s all this on your face then?” She asked again with a sincere look of concern on her face.

“It’s nothing really, don’t worry, I’ll be fine,” I replied and forced a smile. I just wanted to get rid of her so I could think clearly.

“Why are you talking like this na?” She said as she placed an arm over my shoulder. “Don’t you know a problem shared is a problem half solved?”

“I said I’ll be fine! I just want to be alone!” I said in a rather loud tone and apologised immediately after realising how loud I had spoken.

“It’s not a problem but know that I am not leaving here unless you tell me what the problem is.” She replied. Why are humans so stubborn?

I starred at Amaka and knew she was serious. She wasn’t going to leave if I didn’t tell her
something so I thought of a smart response.

“Okay, here is the problem,” I started to say. “My sister called me this evening and told me she was pregnant. She said the guy responsible walked out on her without saying a word when she told him and she is really confused. She’s too scared to have an abortion, plus my parents are really strict, they would definitely not take the issue lightly. She said she doesn’t know what to do and is already considering suicide. I wanted to advise her as she told me her problems but even I didn’t know what to say. My sister don’t make empty threats, I’m scared she would kill herself.”

Amaka sat in silence and listened attentively as I explained my dilemma to her. I hoped I hadn’t been too obvious with the lie. I didn’t want her to know, my “sister” in the story was actually me.

“Oh goodness!” she exclaimed as I finished my story. “Where is your sister right now?”

“She’s at school,” I replied and added she schooled at Abuja quickly.

“How far gone is she?” Amaka asked calmly, she seemed to be heading somewhere.

“I don’t know, she didn’t say, but I doubt if it’s up to a month.”

“So what’s the big deal?!” She replied rather loudly. “Call her and tell her to go to a pharmacy and buy Mifepristone and Misoprostol. The pharmacist would instruct her on how to take it.”

“What’s Milfearprestone and Misowhatever?” I asked.

“Basically, they are abortion pills. Since the baby isn’t up to eight weeks she won’t hurt herself.” She explained.

“You don’t get it, my sister is scared of anything abortion!” I replied. I had read too much anti-abortion books, watched too many Nollywood movies and even seen with my very own eyes as someone bleed to death from her vagina all because of an abortion went wrong. There was no way I was going to do it.

“There is no harm in this case. The drugs are not harmful at all besides that’s the only way unless she wants to have the baby.”

At this point, I broke down in tears once more as I knew Amaka was right. I stood up from the bed and went to the window… I needed some fresh air. I stared blankly through the window for a while as it rained heavily when something interesting caught my attention.

A car pulled up at the front of my compound and after a few seconds, I spotted Henry walking towards it. I let my emotions take over for a split second, I immediately ran out of the house and down the stairs in hope of catching up with Henry. I really didn’t know what I was going to say to him but I just needed someone to hold me. Amaka ran after me.

On getting downstairs, someone ran towards me and held me.

“What’s wrong babe?” The person said and I thought it was Henry at first but after the person spoke again, I knew it wasn’t Henry, I knew the voice. It belonged to my boyfriend, Maxwell. I looked up at him and saw the sincere look of worry on his face. It was obvious he really cared, but then I looked at Henry and he gave me a blank stare, I couldn’t make any meaning out of his facial impression. I felt really bad that I had to cheat on Maxwell with his friend for that matter. I knew I owed him an explanation at the very least but on looking at Henry, I figured it would be best if I kept my lips shut. Maxwell kept on asking what is wrong and I didn’t want to lie to him. I was confused. I needed to get away from Maxwell, Henry, Amaka and basically everyone else.

So I ran blindly. I was knocked down by a hit and run driver and I passed out. I only just woke at the hospital few minutes ago. Only the doctor was in the ward with me.

“How do you feel, Miss Mary?” The doctor asked me as I snapped back to really.

“My legs are kind of sore, apart from that I think I’m fine.” I replied.

“Okay, good. You’ll be fine if you just rest a little.” He replied with a warm smile.

“Thanks doctor.” I returned his smile.

“Your friends are really worried and just want to see if you are fine. They are right outside this door, mind if I bring them in for a while?” He asked.

I thought about it. What could possibly go wrong?

“Not at all, bring them in.” I replied.
The doctor nodded and went to open the door. About four people flooded in. All familiar faces, Maxwell, Henry, Amaka and one girl who I had no idea where she came from.

“You have five minutes,” the doctor said and left the ward.

Maxwell came to my side and without even asking me how I felt went straight to the point,

“Mary-Anne, what was that all about?” He asked.

I had a feeling they would be here for more than five minutes.




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