Why I Want To Be Bad 15












As the video of Marry Me, a song by Falz; a Nigerian artiste was being shown on TV, I couldn’t help but laugh at the comical message passed.

Having regained my memory, I had called Henry and the conversation had been something like this:

Henry: Hello

Me: Hello… Henry? (I asked just to be sure)

Henry: Yea… Who’s this?

Me: Wow! You deleted my number or what? (I was sincerely pissed)

Henry: I changed my phone so I kind of lost a few numbers in the process.

Me: Oh! Okay… It’s Mary-Anne.

Henry: (a short pause) Mary-Anne?

Me: Yea, Mary-Anne. Can you come and pick me up from the hospital?

Henry: Have you been discharged?

Me: Not officially but I feel fine and want to leave.

Henry: Because you feel fine doesn’t mean you are fine, by the way, what about your memory issue?

Me: Which memory issue? (I feigned ignorance. I just felt I’ll be at a more advantaged position if he didn’t know I had regained my memory just yet)

Henry: Oh! Never mind. Anyway, it’s too late to come to the hospital. Just stay the night and I’ll come tomorrow. Try to get a little sleep, I’ll call you tomorrow. (He said and hung up before I could even object)

One of the ladies who had been gossiping about my condition the night before came into my ward and caught me laughing as I watched the Music Video on the TV screen which hung comfortably on the wall directly my front.

“Good morning Miss Mary-Anne, you look a lot better this morning. How are you feeling?” She asked as she dropped a tray which contained some drugs and a syringe.

“Great.” I replied with a warm smile.

“That’s good to know.” She said and returned the smile. “Are you having difficulties recalling something?”

Now, this was the tricky part. The nurse was indirectly asking if I had regained my memory and having lied to Henry, I wasn’t sure if I should tell the nurse the nurse the truth, but after weighing my options I decided its best not to lie to the doctor or nurse in my case.

Just as I was about to reply, the doctor; a cute guy probably in his late twenties or early thirties walked into the ward with a stethoscope hung freely round his neck.

“I see you are awake and in a good mood,” the doctor said as he picked up my file at the edge of the bed. My smile grew wider in response.

He then went ahead to check my pulse, heartbeat and some other things which he documented in my file. I felt all of that was unnecessary but what do I know?

“Everything seems normal,” he said when he was through.

“So when would I be discharged?” I asked anxiously.

“Are you having difficulties recalling some things?”

“Not at all.” I replied.

The doctor rose an eyebrow, then a smile followed.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes doc, I’m totally fine.”

“Please call me Tunji,” he said with a warm smile.

“Alright. I’m totally fine Doctor Tunji. What’s up with all this memory questions?”

“I said call me just Tunji but Doctor Tunji would work. Anyway, you suffered a huge blow in the head and after advanced diagnosis it was discovered you had amnesia, selective amnesia that is,” Tunji started to explain to me in lay man terms. “Normally, it would take months or even years to get back your full memory but in your case it took you just a few days which is rare. My guess is something really personal to you triggered the memory. As for when you are going to be discharged, I’ll have to run a few more tests after which you’ll be free to go.”

“How long will the tests take?”

“A few hours. Just try so get some rest, I’ll be back to check on you later.” He said as he pulled the nurse out of the ward, he gave her a few instructions and he was gone.


I wasn’t going to let thoughts of Mary-Anne’s phone call spoil my mood, so when I was offered the cannabis, I hastily took it and rolled a joint without giving a flying fuck what Tonia thought.

After lighting it up and taking a few drags in which she watched me with intense interest, she finally spoke.

“Why do you do this?” She asked.

“Do what?”

“Smoke. You know you are just killing yourself, right?”

“You won’t understand until you smoke a joint.” I gave her the stoner’s reply. “Besides, I really need this joint right now.”

She giggled, “what do you mean by you need it?”

“Cannabis acts as an anti-depressant and it makes me think better, two things I really need at the moment.”

“Anti-depressant? What’s making you depressed?” She asked, her interest seemed to have piqued.

“Nah, don’t ask. Don’t want to bore you with my boring life story.” There was no way I was going to tell her about all that was in my head. “Besides, if the smoke is really disturbing you just say so and I’ll stop right away.”

“Why I would I want you to do that? You obviously need it and…” She looked around, “everybody around here seems to be smoking so you stopping wouldn’t change anything.”

“Alright, if you say so.” There was a brief silence before I decided to try something, “do you want to take a drag?” I asked. The answer I got wasn’t expected.


Moving her hips like a possessed Greek goddess, Jessica looked ten times sexier than any normal human should look. I sipped my drink slowly from where I sat as I watch her dance all alone, no guy probably had enough confidence to approach her and frankly, I couldn’t blame them, she looked like she was going to slap anyone who came a feet close to her.

After dancing all by herself for about five minutes, she walked up to me and turned to her back when she was close enough and started giving me a lap dance. She eventually got her lips close to my ears and whispered, “Dance with me,” seductively.

“I’m a horrible dancer,” I replied as I stood up, “but I’m willing to make a fool of myself all for you.” With that, she dragged me to the dance floor pushing a few people aside on the way.

It’s probably just a coincidence but just as she successfully pulled me to the middle of the dance floor the D.J changed the song to Jika; a South African house song which had a very specific set of dance moves which thankfully I knew. I smiled.

I watched for a bit as she struggled to grind her ass all over me before I held her firmly to a halt.

“No be everything dem dey shake yansh for,” I said laughing as I urged her to watch me teach her the dance.

In matter of seconds, a few people around me had stopped dancing and started staring at me with keen interest. Barely a minute later, the blonde lady who had called Raymond when we first got to the party stepped out of the midst of the crowd and joined me in the dance. She made a few errors at first but she was obviously a fast learner as soon enough, she started dancing almost better than me.

Jessica finally got the moves as she joined us in the middle of the already on looking spectators, she pushed the blonde lady aside just to make sure she was the one beside me, everyone noticed this but just ignored it and not long after the three of us had perfected the moves had almost everyone else at the party caught the groove and started dancing as if it was a planned choreography. I’m an attention seeker by default so this was highly welcomed.

At the peak of the song, I felt someone place his hands on my waist from behind and slowly move it in a systematic round pattern. I acted like I didn’t know as I wondered which kind of amateur pick pocket the person was while waiting for the person to actually try to steal something from me before I reacted, but then, I soon found out the person wasn’t a pick pocket as he whispered, “follow me” before leaving my waist and cat walking past me. It was the blonde girl.

Of course, I followed.



Normally, when you ask a girl like Tonia if she wants to smoke, you expect her to say no and even condemn you for asking such a question but that wasn’t the case this time.

Tonia had taken the joint from me when I offered and took two long drags like a pro then passed it back to me, “puff puff pass,” she said and looked away.

I was shocked.

Puff puff pass is a phrase smokers use to suggest the joint be passed to the next person after two drags… First Puff, second puff then pass.

For her to know the phrase and drag the joint like that, she obviously smoked or something. She sure owed me an explanation but I concluded I could get my explanation anytime but as for now, we shall smoke.

We smoked three joints straight and peacefully, having short conversations in between and was on the fourth one when I started to notice some suspicious movements.

A kid, roughly about 13 years or there about walked into the backyard and just walked passed us to the other end and disappeared. There was no way a kid was supposed to be around so I knew something was wrong.

I’m very careful. That’s how survive being who I am.

“Tonia, let’s go and enjoy the party,” I said as I dropped the half joint on the floor and smashed it. She obliged willingly.

As soon as we entered the house, I heard some rushed footsteps which sounded like elephants running right there at the backyard which we just left. I knew I was lucky so I had to leave immediately.

I dropped Tonia who was oblivious to all that was happening at the bar and went in search of Maxwell, we had to leave immediately. I dialled his number a few times but it was not reachable so I decided to use the traditional method.

I asked a few specific people and I was directed to a room at the second floor of the building.

I caught a glimpse of Jessica on my way with a boy who was obviously not Maxwell in a very tight corner, they were doing things. I walked forward in my quest.

Soon enough, I got to the room and knocked on it, it was opened on the sixth knock and Maxwell popped a head of the door.

“O boy what’s up you na? You dey fuck up my parole o,” he complained.

“Guy, we gats to disembark from this arena now now.”

“Wetin dey happen?” He asked, he looked more interested now.

“SARS dey backyard now.” I replied and that was enough motivation for him to run into the room, pick up his shirt and follow me. He didn’t even give the girl in the room any explanation.

SARS stands for Special Anti-Robbery Squad. They are not fans of weed smokers as well.

We both got back to the room where I left Tonia and picked her as when made our way out of the party.

The bouncer was no longer at the gate but there was no one around as well, so we took the risk and walked pass the gate, straight to the car. Maxwell passed me the car keys and sat at the passenger seat.

Once we were all tucked in, two SARS officers appeared from nowhere and screamed, “Stop there!” As they ran towards the car.

Without thinking much about what I was about to do, I started the engine and pulled a Jason Statham stunt which involved driving to the end of the street in reverse. There was not enough space for me to turn. I nearly hit one of the SARS officer in the process.

Once I was out of the street, I changed the gear and drove forward, heading home thinking I had lost the SARS officers but they weren’t going to go down without a fight.

I saw a black Toyota Hilux truck burst out from the street I just left and turn towards my direction. They switched on their siren and light bulbs at the top of the car.

We were in deep poo and I needed to stop but I felt that the SARS officers would first beat us black and blue before they ask any question do to us if caught, I stepped on the gas pedal and took off.

The truck chased us in hot pursuit as I drove past several cars at an illegal speed, skilfully dodging all the cars.

I saw a very tricky Y junction ahead and felt it was the perfect spot to lose the truck. The plan was to let the truck pull closer to me then accelerate towards the dead end before quickly diverting to one of the roads with the hope of the truck driver not seeing the dead end and driving into it.

The planned worked, well, for a while as I watch the truck pull closer from the rear-view mirror.

Then just when I felt the timing was perfect, I stepped on the gas pedal and diverted at the right spot but for reasons best known to the devil the steering wheel failed and we drove straight into the dead end.




I opened the door and allowed Ayo to enter first. I watched as she dragged her big box into the room with much effort and I smiled as I recalled I had a similar box which Maxwell had helped me with. Where was Maxwell anyway? I thought and quickly made a mental note to call him later.

When Ayo had successfully carried her box and sat down on the only available chair, I walked into the room and locked the door and went straight to the bed to sit.

“So what up?” I asked.

“Won’t you first offer me something to eat first, I’m starving,” she replied.

I sighed. “Madam, better start talking. What have you done this time?”

Ayo just stared blankly at me in response. I had known Ayo for the better half of my life so I knew what that blank stare meant; nothing was coming out of her mouth until I give her what she was asking for.

I stood up, went to the kitchen and quickly poured garri and sugar into cup. Before leaving the kitchen, I grabbed a sachet of water and returned to the room and handed it all over to her.

“No milk?” She asked and I returned her blank stare. She smiled and started drinking the garri. I had milk of course but would you have given her milk if you were in my situation?

I stared at her as she ate and patiently waited for her to finish. Once she was done, I asked again,

“So are you going to tell me why you are not Ghana?” She schooled there.

She took her time to drink the remaining water from the sachet, savouring every sip before she dropped the empty sachet in the cup.

“Funmi, I’m in big trouble. I’ve fucked up real bad this time,” she said, before I could ask for an explanation I heard a loud knock at my door.

“Open up!” The person at the door screamed.


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