Why I Want To Be Bad 28

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-28-

 

FUNMI

 

The only thing more difficult than writing Chemistry 130 examinations is trying to understand the way the male mind works. They never know for sure what exactly they want and to cover up their cluelessness they say females are more complicated than they are.

 

Guys tell you they love you, they cannot live without you, they cannot get you out of their mind and do almost anything just to get your attention but when they eventually get the long anticipated attention they change the story right before your very eyes as they start complaining that you are too available and tell you they need a little space.

 

I am not speaking out of experience because I am too smart for that but I have friends who have experienced things like this and I always wonder if they are so blind to see that the guys are in it just for the thrill of the chase and perhaps sex and just when they get those things they lose interest and then go on to look for another unsuspecting victim to do the same thing to. It goes round and round.

 

I would not lie, I actually liked Maxwell. I mean with those pink lips, his curly hair which is either black or brown pending on how the light hits it and his ability to always know the right words to say, which girl would not like him? But just like every other guy, he is fantastically deceitful and I cannot deal with the kind of drama and heartaches dating a guy like him would bring.

 

“Abeg, where you keep your salt sef?” Ayo asked as she tasted the food she was cooking. It was only then I noticed I had been lost in my thoughts.

 

“Check the white container,” I instructed her.

 

She added salt to the food and then came to join me at the balcony where I sat down, the kitchen was just right before the balcony.

 

She had rolled a blunt before she started cooking so all she needed to do was to light it. Once it was lighted she offered it to me but I refused so she retracted her hands and continued smoking the joint.

 

“Where did you get the weed from?” she asked.

 

“Maxwell gave me.”

 

“Chai, you be small ashewo with style o,” she teased me, “you just use the weed as excuse to go talk to the guy.”

 

I was not surprised at this statement, Ayo had always been able to read me like a book. “No be wetin been dey my mind o,” I denied still.

 

“You no even sabi sef, you no know say na better bump short you for wear before you go see am? Na so dem dey take catch fine boys like that” she went on to ask.

 

“I’m not trying to seduce him,” I said plainly. It was quite disappointing to hear her talk about the guy I did not want to even think about in such manner. Who fine boy don help? Fine at face and ugly at heart.

 

“Abegi! Forget that thing,” she waved her hand as if to signify her pushing my fable denial away, “give me better gist, wetin you and the guy been reason na?”

 

“I caught him kissing some other girl,” I said staring at my feet. It only felt right that I opened up to her.

 

Ayo is a weird girl and just as expected she did a weird thing. She bursted out into an uncontrollable laughter frenzy.

 

“It’s not funny,” I lamented but that only added fuel to the already wild fire.

 

She only stopped laughing when the smoke from the blunt choked her and turned her laughter to a coughing marathon. By the time she caught her breath her eyes were pepper red.

 

“You see, if you wear a bump short anytime he’s around I am sure he would not have any reason to kiss another girl but you would say ‘I am not trying to seduce him’,” she said that last part trying to mimic my tone.

 

I wished she had choked to death.

 

“If I have to be nude to get his attention then I don’t want his attention!”

 

“Babe, I did not say you should go naked, I only said you should wear something sexy. Guys are easily moved by what they see so you have to show him the right stuffs,” She explained, “anyway, what happened after you caught him?”

 

“He tried to explain but I was not really interested in whatever lie he was about to spill so I just asked for your weed and left when I got it.”

 

“Do you really like the guy?” she asked me the dreaded question.

 

“Maybe I did before but not anymore,” I replied. I frankly felt that way.

 

“Because of what you thought you saw shey?”

 

“Madam! Are you on my side or on his side? I said I saw him kissing a girl abi I don’t know when two people are kissing again?” I asked irritated by her assumption. I know what I saw!

 

“I’m not on anybody’s side here,” she stood up to go and check the food on the fire before coming back and adding, “even though you won’t admit it anymore, I know you like the guy and I saw the way he stared at you. You don’t look at someone that way unless you really have true feelings for the person so maybe you should give him a chance to explain himself, there’s always more to what meets the eye.”

 

I thought about what Ayo had just said, “when you start to dey get sense?“  I asked. She had never said anything that smart all her life.

 

She laughed, “That’s why some people call this thing Solomon’s grass,” she was referring to the weed, “a taste of the ganja and you’ll attain wisdom.”

 

***

 

MAXWELL

 

I was just sitting in my balcony all alone trying to loosen my tensed nerves when I started hearing Funmi and Ayo talking from the apartment down below. I reduced the volume of my laptop so I could hear them clearly.

 

I heard them talk about my matter and was glad to know that her friend, Ayo on my side even though she told Funmi otherwise.

 

Their conversation was quite enlightening as I got the answer of a question that had given me much headache; was Funmi eventually going to let me explain how my lips ended up colliding with Mary-Anne?

 

I had heard enough and decided it was time to give them some privacy as they started talking about a Telemundo program they were following, so I left the balcony and went to sleep my long anticipated sleep with a smile firmly planted on my face.

 

However, a series of loud bangs on my door made me jerk up from my bed and briskly walk towards the door to open it. Lo and behold, Funmi stood at my door post.

 

“Well look what do we have here,” I said with a warm smile. So she could not even wait for me to come to her?

 

“Maxwell be serious! I think something bad has happened,” she said. She clearly was not here to talk about whatever was going on between us.

***

 

HENRY

 

If you go to a ‘mama put’ eatery and eat free food the highest they can do to you is make you wash plate that would be equivalent to the price of food you ate and that would be all.

 

But the system in a more advanced setting is quite different.

 

I searched every corner of my  pockets reverently and by the time I was through beads of sweat had started forming on my face.

 

“What’s the problem?” Tonia asked as she had been staring keenly at me for a while, probably hoping I explained the situation to her.

 

“My wallet is gone,” I said rather dramatically.

 

“Have you checked your pockets?” She was starting to panic.

 

She had watched me search my pockets just not too long ago and her she was, asking the obvious. I decided not to give her an answer that I might regret later.

 

“Wait here, let me go and check the cinema.”

 

I left the eatery and walked to the cinema where we had just left but the security guard refused to grant me access without a ticket because apparently, another movie had started.

 

After speaking all the grammar I could think of and watched as it all fell on deaf ears, I had to retire back to the eatery.

 

By the time I got back there, I saw two uniformed men standing beside Tonia.

 

“Young man, is there any problem here?” One of the guard asked me.

 

“What makes you think that there might be a problem?” I asked defensively.

 

“I was the one who called them,” Tonia replied. “I was hoping they could be of some assistance.”

 

I glared at Tonia for this unnecessary act and wanted to punch her in the face. I know she had done the right thing but at that moment I was not thinking straight and everything she did pissed me off as I felt it was all her fault.

 

“Did you find your wallet sir?” The other security guard had asked.

 

“No, I was not granted access into the cinema where I guess I lost it.”

 

“Okay then, come with me in that case.” He said.

 

We went back to the cinema and I was allows access this time only that my wallet was nowhere to be found.

 

“Don’t you have some cash on you, lets settle this bill and get out of here,” I asked Tonia when we were back. “I’ll reimburse you,” I added.

 

“I can only afford to pay about half of the bill,” she said.

 

“How can you be so broke?!” I heard myself ask angrily before I could stop myself.

 

Immediately I noticed what I had just done I started apologising but Tonia said nothing… Absolutely nothing.

 

“Sir can the both come with us?” One of the guards politely asked like we had an option, whereas in reality that was not even a debatable question.

 

We walked behind them in silence as they led us out of the eatery and then out of the mall down to the back where we entered a small building which I immediately noticed was the security house. Wondering how I knew that? Well you tend to know all these things when experience has taught you a lesson in the past.

 

“Wait here,” one of the guard informed us before I watched him walk through a door and come out minutes later with a more elderly man.

 

“Young man, I heard you don’t want to pay for services rendered,” the elderly man said to me.

 

“My wallet is missing sir and all my cash and credit cards are in it,” I replied.

 

“Well, you understand that there’s not much we can do about that. You just have to pay.”

 

I was quiet. I did not even know what else to say, I had never felt so embarrassed before all my life. The money was there but I had lost access to it and just as a smart idea popped up in my head the elderly man suggested the same thing.

 

“Don’t you have someone that you can call on phone that would come and help you out?” He asked.

 

I had just one person I could call that would definitely be able and willing to help, Maxwell.

 

With a new wave of enthusiasm I pick up my phone and dialed his number but it was switched off and for a brief moment I panicked but then I remembered that he had tried calling Funmi with my phone some days back when he had no network on his phone.

 

I searched for the number and dialed it, luckily she picked on the first ring.

 

“Funmi?” I asked.

 

“Yea, who is this?”

 

“It’s Henry, are you home?”

 

“Yea,” she replied after a brief silence, she was probably wondering why I cared to ask.

 

“I’m trying to get to Maxwell but he’s number is switched off, can you please go up stairs and give him the phone quickly? It’s an emergency.”

 

I listened as she went upstairs and banged the door so hard my ears hurt.

 

Shortly afterwards Maxwell was on the line. I told him my current situation and as expected he he offered to help out even before I asked him to. The joy in my heart flowed like a river.

 

I informed all interested parties about the new new situation and everyone was relieved, even the elderly man.

 

As we waited for Maxwell to come and bail us I tried to apologise to Tonia but she just ignored me. At some point I got tired of begging and kept quiet myself.

 

It took Maxwell about an hour to get to the mall and that felt like the longest one hour I had had my whole life. How my perfect date had turned out like this baffled me.

 

Two attempts at a date and both of them ending on bad notes. First we had to run from the police and now we could not afford to pay for our meals, how perfect!

 

Once Maxwell settled the bills and we were released from their custody Tonia stood up from her seat and made to walk out of the security building.

 

“Don’t ever call me or try to talk to me again!” She said just before she stormed out of the building.

 

Maxwell was too surprised to open his mouth for a while but when he did all that came out of it was uncontrollable laughter.

 

TO BE CONTINUED

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