Memoirs of A Repentant Slut 11

Staring at the blood-stricken rug, reminiscing my first moment and moments with Amaka, I can’t help but pray earnestly in my mind that she’s hale and hearty. I love the fun she gives me; to hell with the stress that comes with it.

Even though a part of me wants to think it’s all a prank, life doesn’t pull pranks so doesn’t Amaka and even if she’s up to something, it’s never gonna be something threatening as this but woe-betide her if this is all for nothing cos I can swear I have already lost a pound in the process of worrying about her but seriously, I need to find her first.

The compound was still very much silent, nobody around still; don’t know who to call or whose opinion to seek. Jide would have been my first go-to counseling centre if things hadn’t gone sour and dramatic earlier on and I know he would have taken Amaka’s issue so seriously than I would have but now, I don’t even have a 1 percent gut to call or text him even though I know I’m still gonna face him later to explain myself whether he’s interested or not.

Amaka and I had decided to get a place together after my 5th year of my law course and I was preparing for Law School and Amaka was about going for her service year. She studied Creative Writing and I was borrowing two courses from her department in my 2nd year when we met. We had become inseparable and compatible and she thought why not? And we got the house which she virtually paid for. I was gonna pick up a job at a law firm in three months time and she was gonna launch her design line and publish her supposedly secret novel she has been working on. . . I really can’t wait to read it.
The almighty sexy voice of “Korede Bello in Godwin” broke the solitary silence in the room. I picked my phone to check who the hell was calling me at this unpleasant hour except if it’s Jide but unfortunately it was Sola.

“What does he want again?” I screamed as if Amaka was in front of me telling me Sola is at the door to see me. It’s already almost 7 months after the issue na. . . him pepper suppose don rest! Shoo!
I have already made up my mind that I wasn’t gonna pick even if he calls ten times. Whatever business I have with him ended the day Amaka pulled that restaurant stunt. He continued calling that even my ringtone was becoming annoying.

I stood up, got off my heels, went to bathroom, took a cloth-mop soaked in a soapy water, headed back to the living room and I began to clean up the blood. My brain wasn’t coordinating, even though the soapy water was cleaning it; it still wasn’t a wise idea to clean up the rug with water. My phone vibrated and screamed “Message”, I knew it was Sola and I was definitely not wrong about that.

“I presumed you won’t pick my call, so I decided to send you a text. Although, I regret almost everyday what I did to you, I was out of line, I can only hope you’d forgive and don’t break up our long term ties, stashing knowing me and everything because of my mistake. I am really sorry but I can’t be dwelling on this matter everyday. . . That I wanted to tell you and I also wanted to tell you that Amaka was arrested earlier today and she is at the police station opposite the school gate. You should go see her. . . ”

I hurriedly stood up. The first part of the message never mattered like the last part. How come Sola knew Amaka was arrested? And for what reason was she arrested? What’s going on here?
I really wanted to call Sola back and asked him some necessary questions but I was so filled with anger and pride; “I will never be caught calling Sola, texting him or talking to him at that.” At least, I know Amaka is alright. If she was injured, she is supposed to be at the hospital and not locked up.
Sola already helped with providing the police station in which Amaka was being held, I would fill in the missing gaps myself but I still can’t help but wonder whose blood was lying on my rug. I was really confused.

Memoirs of A Repentant Slut 10

Amaka Coker was one out of the few great things that happened to my life. I remembered the first time we met; it was like we had known each other for ages. She has and always had an alluring and magnetic personality; she’s more real than life, ‘couthly’-blunt and highly hyper-active. She has this laughter and smile that makes you wanna believe life is problem-free and everything is perfect with her. Her voice and words speaks Bob Marley’s “Every little thing is gonna be alright. . . Don’t worry be happy, even if your landlord says your rent is late.”
We met in one of the awkward places most men don’t wanna meet their future wife; where most ladies beef each other just for the night. Where ladies who covet each other’s body shape during the day, bad-mouths the so-called perfect body to sell market. There you see the realest of all boobs and the fakes; those 3 inches padded boobs where customers discover say na bobo juice after e don pay finish.
Ours is a meeting point where different dialects of pidgin is being spoken; where figure one during the day becomes figure 8 at night; where people who no sabi each other for day become enemies with abusive words hurling at each other.

Amaka was the hot type; with the Joselyn Dumas kind of shape and a Mercy Johnson type of height. She was of high demand and has a high class taste of customers. She has a zero tolerance for low self esteem and even though the girls talk bad about her when she’s not around, they dare not the moment she arrives. My babe get respect for body. Most times, customers drive off without hooking up with anyone if she is not available.
Amaka never does multiple per night. She always says, “my body no be deliverance centre where I attend to many situations per day” lol. The girl is a piece of work; a human comic relief when everything turns boring and sour.

Sitting on the couch, staring at the clock; watching the short hand of the clock on 7 and the long hand on 12; it was as if darkness was over the face of my earth and the only person to proclaim ‘tada! Let there be light’ has suddenly gone missing.

The house felt so empty without her and I can’t help but feel something terrible has happened to her. She tells me always, “no matter what happened to me, I’m a big girl, and I can always handle the situation”.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
“Hey, you are not going home tonight?”

“And you are?” I fired back

“Hey, chill! You don’t have to be hard with everyone just because life is hard on you. Life is hard on everyone girlie, you just have to handle it pretty well and stop throwing tantrums at everyone that comes your way. . . Anyway, I was just showing some care, that’s all.”

She sounded so bitchy as she sounded so cool in one stretch of sentence.

“I’m sorry I replied you that way.”

“Well, forget it! I don’t take things too seriously. . .

“Well, I am. . .”

“Never mind, I know who you are. I mean beyond the walls of the streets. I know you don’t remember my face but I do. You are the girl with the incredible brain. . . Remember that response you gave Dr. Freeze at LEM 201 class? You made a lot of sense. Anyways, I’m your course mate.” She said in a long-stretch of utterance without a pause.

“Ow! Okay. So sorry I couldn’t recognize you, I’m not too good with faces.”

“No problem.”

I just lied though. I am very much good with faces. Maybe faces that has hurt me are quite unforgettable to me but I really never noticed her like I really never noticed any of my course mates because I love my solitariness.
“So, why are you here?” we both asked each other at the same time.

“You first!” I responded.

“Why are you working here? You don’t care if anybody who knows you like our course mates find you here? Even though you don’t know them, they know you!”

“Do you care?” I asked her.

“Who gives a damn?. . . But why do you work here?”

“Cos I need the money.”

“Really?”

I almost gave her a disdain look.

“What do you mean really?” I asked with so much disgust

“Never mind. So, won’t you go home tonight? After all, the show is over”

“Well, I have nowhere to stay for tonight and the little money I have with me is not even enough for my plans.”

That was so unlike me; I just blurted out to a total stranger without holding back.

“Anyways, this is N50,000; you can add it to whatever you have in your purse if it’s enough to get you a place to sleep for the night and maybe solve your problems.”

I collected the money that it felt like a dream holding it between my hands. I spent almost 15mins caressing the money, as I looked up to thank her or ask her why she gave it to me, she was almost far gone.

“Why did you give me the money?” I screamed on top of my voice hoping she would hear or reply me and sure she did.

“Because I don’t do this for the money. You need it; I don’t.”

“Thanks. . . But who are you? Your name? You didn’t tell me.”

“Amaka Coker” she screamed back.

Memoirs of A Repentant Slut 9

“Hi”

“Hello” I replied

That was Jide’s sister I guess. . . It was kinda weird, I mean this type of date. Jide didn’t tell me we were going for lunch at his parents. Too sudden I guess. . . It’s just date 2 after a six months reunion. Maybe he was overwhelmed in the excitement and he is trying to taking things a little bit up notch or he is trying to impress me. Whichever way, I am here already and it’s too late to turn back but I am definitely gonna make sure to tell him not to pull that kind of surprise on me again. I’m not used to it. I can only pray the lunch goes well.

“This is Sade Jones, my sister. Our last born. She is in the University studying Food Technology. In her second year actually.”

“Hi. It’s my pleasure to meet you.” I replied, facing the sister and exchanging handshake with her. What lady does handshake? Except me! Handshake is typical guys.

“And this is my brother, Femi Jones, he’s the 3rd born, after me. He is in his finals at the University, studying Chemical Engineering.”

“And finally, this is my big sister, she’s the first born of the house, I came after her. She’s married and she came around to spend some days with Mum and Dad with her husband. She graduated four years ago with B. A. Mass Communication and she’s an ace broadcaster. Her name is Kayinsola and this is her husband, Uncle Funso.” He said pointing facing their side.

“And their little baby Folakemi.”

“Good evening ma, it’s a pleasure to meet all of you.”

“It’s our pleasure to meet you too.” They said in chorus. It’s like they’ve rehearsed it but yet I was still a little bit uncomfortable. I am yet to meet the real goons of the house; Mr. and Mrs. Jones.
Finally, the table was set and we were all seated to eat when Mrs. Jones walked in and I greeted her warmly and she gave me a warm embrace not knowing who I am yet. Maybe it never mattered for now because I was with her son and she knows definitely the introduction is going to come. With everybody seated except Mr. Jones, but not for long as he walked in a top and short. His face looked familiar. Can’t remember where but I hope it’s not where I am thinking it is and I hope it’s just an assumption and that hopefully none of us has ever seen each other before. He sat down and was calm but I greeted him and he greeted me too.

Jide blessed the meal and he told his family he wanted to say something.

“Before we eat, I would want to introduce someone who all my siblings have met except you Mum and Dad.”

“She is. . .”

“She is nobody!” Jide’s dad screamed.

Everyone was surprised and now it looks like my world was gonna crash.

“Dad!”

“Son!” He screamed back at Jide.

“This is no girlfriend of yours.”

“She isn’t my girlfriend yet dad but I was gonna ask her to be my girlfriend today hoping she wasn’t gonna turn me down again.”

I really wished Jide hasn’t said that, that wasn’t necessary or maybe it was my feelings that was hurt.

“Well son, this is no soon-to-be-girlfriend of yours!”

“What’s going on here?” Jide’s elder sister, Kayinsola asked, facing her dad.

“Hey young lady, stand up, on your feet.” Chief Jones screamed at me.

I couldn’t stand up, my feet were cold, it was obvious we had met in the course of my rendezvous but I can’t remember having anything to do with him.

“Do you remember me? Allen Venue, late last year, around 10pm?”

I was speechless still.

“You see son! This girl is a hooker! A prostitute. She sleeps with men for money and the sexual enjoyment.” He said facing Jide.

“And how do you know all of that Dad? 10pm? Allen Avenue? What were you doing there?” He said with his voice becoming violent towards his dad.

“I won’t have you question me in my own home or create unnecessary fuss over this prostitute here. This lunch is over.”

“Shall we?” Jide’s voice beckoned on me to stand up.

I left without a word. I was broken. Jide never said a word throughout the drive home. Even when he dropped me at home, he never uttered a word or open the door of the car for me as he used to. I sat for an hour in front of the house speechless, sad and hurt.

The whole compound was extremely silent. It was becoming late, to 7pm. I decided to open my door. I came in, on the light to an huge display of fresh blood all over the rug, smelling so fresh. I was scared. No one was around. Not even one neighbour. Has someone broken in? And by the way where’s Amaka? She was supposed to be at home. What has happened to her?

I dialed Amaka’s line countless times, it wasn’t reachable. There’s a huge cause for alarm. Where’s Amaka? Who would I call now?

 

TO BE CONTINUED

Memoirs of A Repentant Slut 8

It rang 6.00a.m. sharp. . . Nothing’s constant like the precision of my alarm clock waking me up when it needed to. Rising from the bed isn’t one of my favourite to do list events but staying too long on the bed could make me sick. . . Right! But staying on the bed all day long is Amaka’s most hideous hobby. She calls it ‘beauty rest’! lmao! How I wish that was really true; lazy Igbo girl!

The whole compound was silent except for the glorious sounds coming from Mama Seun and her husband’s quarters and that could only be one thing. Well, I am impressed Mama Seun could make him sound that way but I guess I make him yell!

“Really, early morning sexual fantasies?”

It was as if I was Riggan and there was a birdman voice but the difference was that I wasn’t tormented but bullied by a voice not an inch closer to Birdman’s but very much similar to Amaka’s.

“What?” I said facing her.

“Water. . . You make him yell!” she said spoiling her whole face.

“Never knew I said that out!”

“Well you did!”

“And I thought you were sleeping. . .”

“And I was until you started becoming weird. . .” she fired back with her big eyeballs rolling.

“I wasn’t fantasizing, I was just. . .”

“Devil, I bind you. Commot here abeg! Shoo!”
. . . And she literally shut me up.

“Well, I am not going.”

“Well, you will!”

I could see her aiming for under the pillow, whatever she was gonna bring, I don’t want to wait to see it, I dashed out with my phone in hand, jamming the door behind me. I could hear her hysterical laugh.

“I’m glad you fear me babe cos I wasn’t going to bring out anything under that pillow except for my hair net which I forgot to put on last night.”

“Go to hell!” I opened the door slightly and screamed back at her.

“I love you too!” she replied.

I hit the showers and that’s the only thing I love about the house apart from the kitchen. It has a ridiculous structuring; a self-contain where me and Amaka stays, more or less like a one-bedroom flat, it has a boys-quarters with five rooms at the back where Mama Seun, her husband and two kids shared a room, Mama Titi and her friend’s husband, literally, now her husband stays in another, Papa Chinyere, Mama Chinyere and Chinyere in one, Okon, Amaka’s unexplored virgin friend who I’m sure Amaka would end up deflowering one day stays in another and finally, Eliza who I think might be experiencing sexual abuse from his father with all those breasts dangling around stays in another with him. . . What a house setting I must say!

I laid in the Jacuzzi, soaked myself in bubble baths with my strawberry shower gel and my headset tightly held to my head, I hit the play button with Omawumi’s “Love Wantintin” blasting through my ear drums and it felt like heaven. Listening to her makes me soul come alive. She has this voice indescribable, I call it a designer-voice! If you hear Megbele, you’d know it’s her!

I was in this position enjoying the cool massage coming from the bath and shuffling songs between Omawumi’s “Stay Alive”, “In the Music”, “Niger Delta 1” and “Megbele” for like 45 minutes. . . Maximally satisfied, I ran a cold bath; I love a cold bath after a long-stretch of warmness. I made for the room, Amaka was very much sleeping, she doesn’t pretend but a little side talk or comment wakes her up, she comments and trips off again.

I massaged my body gently with my luscious body lotion. It’s my most expensive beauty routine item after my clothes and heels. I slipped into a jean trouser, a crop top, tied my hair in buns and I made for the sitting room. It was already fifteen minutes past 7. I plugged in my phone to the speaker and I was blasting Mocheedah’s “Destinambari” featuring the king of Alobam, Phyno with all other songs waiting in line after it. I made for the kitchen which was only separated from the sitting room by some fine carvings of wood work in a cute and sexy way.

One thing was sure, I was hyper-active this morning but guess this was the good type. The only craving I had was scrambled egg, bread and coffee. I set to it with my Beyonce shaking to every blasting song. In less than five minutes, my scrambled egg was ready and in another two minutes, my coffee was ready and I never forgot to plan for the devil’s meal with mine. . . Making the necessary cleanings, Kesha’s “First Kiss” was blasting and I couldn’t resist the sweetness but had to switch on my dancing skills. . . That song makes me feel seventeen again.

“Shoo! Na dance be that? What are you even good at sef? Sexual fantasies and scrambled eggs cos that definitely smells nice.”

“Speaking of the devil some few minutes ago, I never knew she would be up so soon.” I fired back at her making my way to sit with my portion of the breakfast.

“Na me be devil o! but I won’t forget. Big sisters let things slide. . . Anyways, the dance wasn’t that bad. You tried.”

“Thanks. . . What’s up with waking up early?” I turned to face her only to discover she was off to the kitchen.

“Have you forgotten I have an appointment today? The event planning proposal I have to deliver. You know I am not the only one hoping to be awarded the contract.”

“So what time is your presentation?”

“10am and thereafter I am coming back home to sleep my head off. It’s just an hour presentation or even less than. ”

“You eating without brushing? No wonder your teeth is off-white.” I said going to the kitchen to drop my empty plate and cup.

“You know I tried to be so intimidated but I couldn’t be. You know why? Cos you don’t need a filter for these teeth. It’s whiter than your white pant!” she said, opening wide her canine and molars. This girl is so disgusting, chai!

“And by the way, scrambled eggs and coffee is like kissing to me. You don’t remember brushing your teeth when you wake up in the morning say 4-5am and you slam your partner some crazy sloppy kisses. You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I do. The bathroom is waiting for you. Countdown to 10am.” I replied her.

“Lest I forget, your coffee sucks, you need to learn from the best, and I am the best, queen of coffee.

“Well, I am glad that sucked coffee fed your belly this morning and remember to tell your future husband when you feed him coffee as breakfast, lunch and dinner that you are the queen of coffee!”

“I need not do that, you can do that when you meet him for me. Crazy ass!” she said hitting me throwing splashes of water from the sink at me as she went off to the bathroom.

“Wow! Looks like someone treated herself to a wonderful bubble bath. . . and all those love songs you playing. . .”

“That was mere coincidence.” I fired back.

“Definitely!”

Then she stopped talking and all I could hear was splashes of running water. In less than five minutes, Amaka was out; the fastest ‘bather’ I ever know. The highest she ever spends in the bathroom is 5minutes 60seconds and that’s approximately six minutes. Then she came out all dress in a white no-sleeved jumpsuit with her 7 inches braids all in black tied in a bun, makeup and brows on fleek and her feet perfectly rocking a 3 inches blue heels and a neutral coloured purse, Amaka rocks into the sitting room like a queen. It wasn’t only the makeup and brows that was on fleek, the jumpsuit put the nicki minaj behind her on fleek.

“Awwww! You gorgeous darling.” I said.

“I know that.”

“You are a fool, you can just say thanks and stop feeling yourself.”

“You know I meant thank you and by the way, your Beyonce is beginning to compete with my Nicki these days, are you taking something for those kids?”

“You’re crazy!”

“So, what’s the deal with you and Jide again? You’ve always liked the guy since the days of cray-cray at the restaurant but you’ve also always turned the guy down. . . And now he’s back, one date. . . What’s the deal?” She asked sitting beside me on the sofa, facing me like she wants to lie-detect me.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” I said slightly smiling and trying to avoid her eyes.

“Okay. . . what me I sha know is that, what you are feeling for this guy is Ebola! No cure for am! Is either you date him, that’s if he still wants to or stop wasting each others time but take it is easy though.” She said like a young mother advising her teenage daughter.

“Craze dey worry you. I swear.”

“Anyways, we would talk more about this when I get back but you have my full support in whatever your heart requires and cook something before I get back.” She stood to leave.

“Well, I have a date for 4pm and I might not be at home not to talk of cooking for you.”

“Date 2? Well, that’s good. Make sure you have fun only if you remember to bring another KFC.”

“No be only KFC, na CFK!. . . But it’s not yet 10!”

TO BE CONTINUED

Memoirs of A Repentant Slut 7

Going out with Jide was exactly my getaway. I needed the cool aura, the solemn oldies and the delicious sauced fried snails of the restaurant. . . Jide is indeed a man of class and I enjoyed every meal from the dessert to the main course and to every music played that I couldn’t but store the name of the restaurant in my petite medulla oblongata. . . Can’t even remember the last time I went on a date or treated myself purposelessly to a great meal but it definitely would be two weeks today that I had my last ‘sexcapade’. . . well, they are both nourishing to the body, it depends on which is prioritized. In short, I had an obvious fun that has shifted my attention more to the food aspect.

Finally, Jide pulled a stop in front of my humble No. 5 home. We were both silent throughout the ride except for the part where he made a stop at KFC. A part of me was really tired that all I wanted to do was run a hot bath and sleep but the other part was willing to excitedly respond to Amaka’s impending ‘gist me’ long-throat and the ‘what did you do when he did this?’ ‘what’s the unexpected that happened?’ ‘Did you guys kiss?’ and I’d so vomit in her face, God help me.

“I’m so glad you could squeeze out a time. I had a great time.” He said, finally breaking the silence.

“Well, I had a nice time too. Thanks for the dinner and the ride.”

“Anytime dear. . . And I must say you looked so delectable tonight.”

I thought he never noticed and would never compliment me! God help am, I thought to myself but seriously I be fool o!

“Thanks. You look great too.”

Then he got down, came over to my side and opened the door, ‘how gentlemanly’ and Amaka’s voice was screaming in my head ‘Don’t be deceived’ lol. . . the girl no dey ever trust guys like I was even better but she’s definitely the worst except if she really likes the guy but she hardly does.

“Thanks.” I said finally stepping down from the cool breeze of the AC.

“My pleasure.”

“Let me walk you to the door and use that opportunity to say hi to Amaka that’s if she’s around.”

“She should be.”

“And this is for Amaka.”

He handed me a takeaway pack and I could smell it without opening it and it was humming KFC.

“Ok. Thanks.”

I wanted to say he shouldn’t really have bothered but I have learnt overtime not to tell a guy ‘he shouldn’t have’ after he already did. The truth is I’m glad he did but in the bid to be courteous and all, we end up saying ‘you really shouldn’t have bothered’ when the bother dey sweet my belle as hell. A simple and sincere thank you says it all.

He slipped his palms into mine; I made a light and silent chuckle. It kinda felt good; mine was cold, his was warm.

“Una weldone o! You go out? Welcome”

Really, this woman will not kill me. Jide sef couldn’t hide his amusement. . . Mama Seun and her uncensored gbeboruns. . . I don’t even know what she was doing there. Most times, I tend to find her annoying and another time, hilarious . . . plus all the neighbours join together but guess that’s what you get when you live in a house with a funny plan as No. 5 and your friend refuses to answer the door bell. . . Abi Amaka don get company?

Before I could even look sideways to reply Mama Seun, she don vamoose and Amaka had finally opened the door. I gave her a sharp look that speaks “wa a fe ku lale yi” in Reminisce’s voice making sure she got the look.

“Hey!”

“Hello” Jide said, replying Amaka.

“You weren’t around when I came to pick her. . .”

“Yeah right. I took a walk. . . Six months and it’s already been like a year. . . Good to see you again! You guys should come in na!”

“Hmmmm. I am definitely about to say the same. It’s highly great seeing you again too Amaka. . . Hope she hasn’t been much of a trouble?”

“Not too much trouble beyond my grasp. . .”

“You are not well. . .” I fired back at Amaka.

“I would like to take my leave from here. . .” Jide said.

“Alright then. . . Thanks for stopping by and thanks for the KFC too!” Amaka replied.

“And who told you it was yours?” I snapped.

“And whose would it be if not mine. Wetin I sha know be say, no be you buy am come house for me.”

“And who says I would buy something and bring home for you?” I said rolling my eyes with Jide enjoying our mini soap opera.

“Exactly my point! You can’t and you didn’t!”

“Whatever! Take, chop am and add am to your nicki ass!” I hit her with it on the chest.

“No hard feelings bae, would gladly.”

“You girls are hilarious. . .

“Girls? Hello o! We grown ass women! We are ladies.” Amaka cuts in.

“Pardon my slip of tongue. . . would love to be on my way now ladies.”

“Well-said! Thanks for coming by. Goodnight.” Amaka said, dashing off into the room, jamming the door loudly.

The girl is a fool, I don’t know what game she’s trying to play leaving us two outside. I stood by the door balancing on the ground with my 3 inch Alexander McQueen heels that makes me a 6 ft 5”, a crop top and a jean. I love my body; there’s no other way I love to admire myself than when standing.

“Take care. Would call you tomorrow. . . Good night.”

“Good night Jide!”

I watched him enter his car, reverse and drive off till I couldn’t see his car again and I guess that meant something; something that’s not healthy for me!

 

TO BE CONTINUED

Memoirs of A Repentant Slut 6

One would have thought Amaka had it for Jide and vice versa but reverse was the case. . . Amaka never hit on guys but she never fails to appreciate the aesthetic works of God on a guy whenever she sees one. Sometimes when I’m alone, I realize how much she means to me; she’s the sister I never had.

Sitting side by side with Jide never felt so real until I remembered how it started and what it used to be back then. . . Something in me wasn’t convenient with the fact that Jide and Sola’s girlfriend knew about the whole molestation story. I do appreciate my private life and not only normal people get molested, hookers are molested too, I’m not admitting to anything *donno what you think I am* but I do appreciate privacy a lot.

“Who cares for privacy? Girl, you dey dull me o. Seriously, what has happened to you?”

“I’m pregnant” I blurted out

“I’m glad but who is the father and don’t tell me it’s Sola cos na molestation you call am no be rape!”

Amaka is a fool! I can see all the gestures in her eyes and I know she’s up to no good.

“Abeg free me Amaka; there is nothing going on. I’m just having some terrible flashes of things I have seem to forgotten; that’s all and I am not pregnant cos I can already see your brain is calculating again.”

“Well, I would have to see a concrete proof that you are not harboring a bastard in there. All you need is a small bottle and we have a lot of unused, yet to expire PT kits in here, so just don’t flush down that early morning water tomorrow, get me my copy!”

“Walahi you be fool!” I said throwing her a pillow.

“Bae, you’d be fine, get over yourself please, don’t allow a simple almost fatal experience tear your walls down, it’s not worth it!”

She threw her arms round me, wrapping me tightly. Amaka is really my soothing massage chair, no homo and we are straight as hell. She’s a good girlfriend and sister. . . she held me tightly for like thirty minutes whispering soothing words in my ears, some crazy words I hit her for and some a slap. I was relieved and we were laughing our hearts out until we had a loud bang at the door. . .

“You go get the door, I’m off to the bathroom!” she said to me.

“Why you dey always bath like mammy water pikin like this?”

“I sweated after a very engaging fight I launched on your behalf! Hello o” she said with her eyes almost bulging out.

“I send you message? Mumu girl” I said as she already left for the bathroom.

“You welcome! And by the way, I was kidding about having a copy of your urine, I believe you sweetie” she echoed from the bathroom!

Stupid girl! Like I was gonna give her a copy before? A copy? Is my urine a document? This girl na proper were I tell you; full of misappropriated and twisted dictions.

“Who’s there?”

“It’s me ma.”

“You, who?” I enquired further.

“Eliza!”

I quickly opened the door. Somehow, I feel responsible for the girl. Somehow, I have this connection with her even though I hate her guts and her uncontrolled blabbing.

“Come in” I said, opening the door for her to enter.

“Thank you.”

She looked so decent and was properly talking to me for the first time that it felt so unreal except for the fact that her breast packs were missing as usual.

“Wetin happen Eliza?”

“Errrm! Errm! I am so sorry for the other time.”

“It’s fine really.” . . . Was it? Lol.

“Thank you o.” she said almost kneeling down.

“Abeg, aunty Amaka dey aus too? I go like make both of una dey together so I fit talk wetin I wan talk”

“Ow! Okay.” Now this is getting weird believe me.

“Amaka! Amaka o!”

“Yes, you called.”

She was standing right in front of me like some Nollywood disappearing and appearing powers had brought her.

“You finished early.” I said murmuring hoping she didn’t hear that.

“Well, I heard you. Thanks! Life is not static; we change, so I changed for the moment. . . And who do we have here?” she said eyeballing Eliza.

Amaka never liked Eliza, she despises her eagerness and early signs of promiscuity. Mama na prophet. The day she called to tell me Eliza was showing early signs of promiscuity, I laughed my ass out! Gosh!

“Aunty Amaka, good afternoon ma.”

“Afternoon o!”

I can’t help but laugh. “So what can we do for you o Eliza”

“Abeg, I need your financial help. I need to pay my school fee and to register for some O’Level exams like NECO and WAEC GCE. I’ve searched round the compound finding who I can seek help from but you are the only people that crossed my mind.

“Please, help me.” she said kneeling down.

She was actually being overdramatic I think.

“Well that is a small thing, I can spare some contacts.”

“Amaka!” I gave her a very sharp look that screams ‘What was that about’

“Okay, Eliza, we don’t have much but we would help you. First, let’s start with your school fee; that’s the most pressing one.

How much is the school fee?” Amaka asked.

“6,000 naira ma.”

“Okay, come back around 9pm. We would have something for you.”

“Thank you so much. God go bless you o.” she said taking her leave.

“And Eliza, why don’t you wear clothes for your. . .” I said pointing to her chest area.

“The only one wey I get don tear and papa no gimme money to get wetin I need.”

“Okay, what’s your size?”

She looked down without saying anything. I guess that meant she had no idea and was a little embarrassed.

“Okay, wait for me here.”

Amaka was just standing, staring at us. I went in and I came out with some of the new ones I got. They are expensive though.

“This should size you I guess.” I handed it over to her.

“God bless you o!” she left.

“Amaka! What was that about? You have contacts to spare?”

“Yes na. She needed help and since she had been grooming herself for so long, I wanted to give her an expensive opportunity to make for herself more than she needed. We never needed the money but she does.”

“Amaka! Let’s us just forget about this for now!”

“I get what you are trying to do, you feel responsible for her, you trying to redeem your soul by helping her, fine! If it works for you, you have my full support.”

“Okay. But don’t forget we are helping her. At least, let’s give her 10k, she pays for her school fees and use the remaining 4k for food or something.

“Alright.” She left!

“We are helping her o Amaka!” I screamed

“And you are responsible for her!” She screamed back from the room.

Yea! That’s the part of Amaka that gets nasty. . . My phone vibrated and that’s a message and I really hope it isn’t Sola.

“hey, how are you feeling now and I guess you feel a lot better. . .

Are you free for 7pm? If yes, I would like to book for that time. Kindly

get back to me. My regards to Amaka. . . Jide.”

Didn’t know I was reading it out until I heard Amaka speak!

“My regards to him too!”

“And anyways he likes you” she said with a laughter in her voice.

I lifted my head and I saw her still there!

“Oh girl! Get your nicki minaj off my sight and go dress up!” I said to her seeing her filling my face with her big ass.

“He likes you o, you know abi?”

“Amaka!”

“He likes you!” she said walking away and reversing like a car!

“Amaka, na wetin na?” I picked the remote to throw at her and she zoomed off.

Stupid girl!. . . And that was how things started with Jide even though we weren’t dating till he left for New York only to return without a prior notice.

Memoirs of A Repentant Slut 5

It’s Saturday. I love Saturdays. . . who doesn’t?

I had just woken up with a loud bang on my head like the sound coming out of a pendulum hitting the walls of a bell. I didn’t have the best night but I never had the worst. All through the night, my mind was clouded with thoughts I couldn’t place. That seemingly minute experience I had with Sola really spoilt my mood. My memory was refreshed and it was as if I was digging my hands into my brain to remember so many hurtful things that had taken place in my life.

“Hey, how are you feeling now?” Amaka said handling me a hot cup of coffee.

“I’m good girlfriend; just a little bit depressed.”

“Sorry ehn. Is there anything else you would like me to get you?”

This girl and her over-pampering abilities, chai! “Anyways Amaka, I am fine o!” I replied her.

“Well, if you say so.” She said leaving for the bathroom.

I was surprised she let the matter slide without probing any further. That is very unlike Amaka. I took a sip from the coffee; Amaka does make good coffee, even if she no sabi any other thing related to the kitchen.

I was really tired and wanted to sleep again but Harrysong’s “Reggae Blues” blasting from somewhere in the room diverted my attention; it was definitely coming from my phone. That’s my favourite naija hit for now and now my ringtone, no time! I could hear Amaka’s cocky voice humming to it.  .  . E sure me say if that girl release a track, na only me go download am just for love sake not to talk of an album.

“Where the hell is the phone sef?”

“Under the bed.” Amaka screamed from the bathroom.

“And who dropped it there?”

“And is that a question for me to answer?” Well then, you might want to ask your humble self rolling over the bed like a possessed being. . . An obvious indication that you are indeed fine.

“Na you sabi o! Aproko.”

“I don turn aproko now abi. No wahala na. Make I get out of this bathroom.” She replied.

“Amaka, I no get your time this morning o, I no even sabi wetin you dey wash since morning.”

I finally found the phone under the bed and guess who had been calling since yesterday, leaving me tons of apologetic texts; it was Sola!

“For God’s sake, do I need to vomit ‘I am not Angry’ into this guy’s ears before he understands that I am not angry? Abi what? It’s enough he had to make me feel terrible about myself and a lot of sinking deep into the past being done, but seriously, Sola, gimme a break!”

“Wow! Guess he really needs to hear the last part cos ain’t no Sola here” Amaka said with her micro-mini towel wrapped around her body.

“Walahi Amaka, I’d kill you this morning.” I said, pouting my face into her face.

“And I’d gladly die for your sake. . . Gosh! for crying out loud, just admit you pissed, it’s okay to be mad; it’s okay to confess you not feeling fine. Sola or whatever him papa and mama name him is a cow and I’m sure he’s somewhere pretending he’s sorry for what he did yet he’s having fun while you are here reading those texts of his that are not one inch close to apology. You are my person, and no guy tries shit with my person.”

“You’ve been watching too much Grey’s Anatomy obviously. . .”

“Shey na wetin you go talk be that? Your good heart go kill you one day. Whether you like it or not, at a point in life, you’ve just gat to offend some people o and make enemies if need be so far it’s for your good. Stop playing cool all the time. . . Get fired up! Address the f**king attitude and give your anger an expression!

“Point well taken Prof. Amaka.” I said, goggling my eyelashes like someone with a peg in her eye.

“. . . And you are welcome dull apprentice!” she ran off.

“You for wait na. I’d have shown you some dullness.”

“And you need to dress up girl, we are going out!” Amaka said, shouting at the top of her voice from the room.

“And where the hell would I be following you to? Mtcheeew! I’d be damned if I dress up!”

“You should be!” she said locking up the room door.

“Amaka, open this door now o!” I said with my fist banging the door.

Stupid girl! She already heard my footsteps! Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been without her. . . Less-stressful I guess!

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

“I’d like Champagne”

“And you ma?” the bartender asked facing Amaka

“I’d like a bottle of Smirnoff and some well prepared cowskin. . . Emphasis on well-prepared o!” she said trying to scare the waiter.

Amaka is an ass! See the way she was ‘stronging’ her face like someone who dey beg shit to come out of her yansh. As if she had ate a bad ‘ponmo’ at the restaurant before! Kai! She can spoil business.

“Why na, what I do? Why are you looking at me like that? I was just being real, hello o!”

“I don hear you o!” I responded.

“Unlike you, ordering for a champagne when you should knack better alcohol to wash away that thing wey dey bug your mind; they form well-mannered girl for there!”

“Na you sabi. I actually thought you were going to Sola’s house to go do something crazy.”

“Well, I will. Maybe not today. I’d deal with him tomorrow.”

The bartender brought our order and while I was just glancing around, my eyes caught Sola and Jide with a plus one which should either belong to one of them. They were sitting and chatting at a corner. I never knew he was Jide then.

“Maybe you really don’t have to wait till tomorrow.” I murmured.

“What?”

“We have company over there.” I said, shooting my eyes in the direction of Sola with Amaka’s eyes tailing the direction.

“Well then, are you ready to be a bitch?”

“After you Prof.!”  I said feeling some deep guts down my throat.

We both laughed, stood up from our seats, abandoning our order which was as good as not touched. With Amaka at the front, I followed her. Dada no fit fight but e get person wey chop liver pass am.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Hi!” Sola said with his heart definitely beating beyond normal.

His ‘hi’ was full of guilt; an ‘hi’ trying to contain a disease that may soon turn an epidemic.

“Hello, I am Ayobami. Sola’s girlfriend and you guys are?”

“. . . his victims dumbass!” Amaka screamed.

Now seriously, Amaka is being really bitchy. Shoo! Wetin the girlfriend do na and seriously, you’d know an insecure girlfriend when you see one! “Yai, Ayam Sola’s girlfriend” I murmured annoyingly” stupid girl.

“Errm abeg, my time is precious! Who among you is Sola? I take it that you are the one.” Amaka said facing Sola. It was written all over his face that he was uncomfortable and unstable. Guilt is a bastard!

“Do you know that you are a fool and an irresponsible man and a beast!”

Now the conjuncts are getting too much! An indication that Amaka don dey take am personal.

“How could you molest someone who shared an open mind with you? You molested my friend here and its highly unacceptable to me. The fact that she won’t react doesn’t mean I won’t. Now you are here treating yourself to a meal with a chick who thinks you are a great and faithful guy.”

At this stage, the girlfriend opened her mouth speechlessly and Jide likewise was just staring saying nothing. Sola on the other hand definitely doesn’t have anything to say.

“You’ve got something to say to me or my girl?” Amaka asked.

“Oh! Nothing! You think you can go about sending stupid apologetic messages and you think that’s all? This is a huge warning to you, stay away from my friend, do I make myself clear?”

Sola went dumb!

“I guess that silence means yes!”

“Sola, what do you have to say. I really don’t understand. Are these ladies saying the truth?”

Now, the girlfriend is getting emotional. An indication of high disappointment maybe not for what he did to me but the unfaithfulness. She grabbed her bag and cried out running off slowly in her 3 inches heels.

“Ayo please wait!” Sola screamed!

Now the unexpected happened! Jide hit Sola on the jaw and he landed on his ass. . . I thought they were supposed to be friends.

“I am disappointed in you!” Jide screamed.

“Ouch!” Amaka said definitely with a smile! Stupid girl. She was having fun and we were creating a scene in someone’s business arena and the bartender was walking towards our corner.

“Hi, I am Amaka Coker” stretching forth her hand to Jide.

“I’m sorry. I am Jide Jones”

“My kind of man! I love me some Jack Bauer” Amaka said winking at me with Jide smiling back.

“What’s going on here please! You distracting our customers and making a mess of our restaurant.” The bartender said.

“We are so sorry man! A stipend for your trouble.” Amaka said, dipping some notes in the guy’s pocket while she walked away with Jide at the front and I followed afterwards.

“Fuck you Sola!” I said bending down to him with his ass on the ground.

“And these two just stole my show!” I murmured running after Amaka and Jide.

And then, I fell in love with him just like that!

 

TO BE CONTINUED

Memoirs of A Repentant Slut 4

I remembered clearly the ‘first’ time I met Jide, it was through Sola, a friend who has a crush on me. Yea! That’s if attraction is the same thing as a crush but who cares for fairies and wishes? I’m for real in Flavour’s voice. Dreams, crushes and wishes when it comes to girl/boy matters are better left for the teens. I’m a grown ass woman; yea right! God bless Black American films.

The first time and countless times I ever met Jide was not as significant as the first day I met him. The first time a woman meets a man is distinctively different from the first day she meets him. I wish I can remember that distinctive moment without remembering Sola.

Sola is a handsome young man, unreserved, very agile, ambitious, and a volatile film person. He was a senior by two years in the university, can’t remember how we met; guess it’s not that distinctive but I know we became close at a point. He’s got good profile for every dream man but I really just couldn’t date him. He’s controlling, domineering and manipulative and I think he has less control over the pendulum in-between his thighs. Sola could be funny even though he makes dry jokes. He has a girlfriend but lies about having one but I never hesitated to throw his lies into his face. He’s a trying liar but he definitely lies to the wrong person. . . I’m a female Carl Lightman but natural as Torres in Lie to me Series. . . I watch too much films right? I know.

Sola and I were close until the day he crossed a huge line.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Seriously, how many times do we have to discuss this? Put your attraction for me under check. All I want for you is to be a good friend and if you don’t want to, the door is as good as wide but kissing or shacking up with a man I’m not dating or seeing is a no-no for me.” I stressed with my voice at the highest pitch.

Who says hookers don’t have standards? Maybe those by the road sides.

“I like you, I’m attracted to you, I love you, I want to date you but we really can’t make it public till I’m sure we are taking this serious.” Sola said.

Lest I forget, Sola enjoys being treated like a baby and you know the worst part, you have to be a strong woman like I am not to fall for his deceptive bedroom voice. Guys do have bedroom voices too you know and when a guy is using that on you, he’s either trying to calm you down for real or trying to get that big bro into that tiny hole. Very manipulative voice! From experience but that’s a red light sweetheart. I deserve better than secrecy but really, do I have to scream into this guy’s ears that I am not willing to go down that road with him not to talk of dating on a low-key?

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

“So how have you been?”

Jide’s succulent voice brought my body and soul back to life. If there is anything I love about him, it’s the way he picks his words and the voice lighting up and turning up the air-condition of my body. Jide definitely knows how to make a woman let her guards down.

“I’ve been great. And you?” I replied.

“Obviously doing awesome my dear.”

I saw his eyes flash through my cleavage. I remembered how he kept his eyes glued on my boobs the day he told me he was into me. He obviously still has a crush on those wonderful works of Jah. I chuckled.

“What?” he asked. I guess he was wondering why I chuckled.

“What’s what?” I stressed back with my eyes graciously focused on him.

“Seriously what?” he asked again.

“Really, you want to the what thing? Stop doing that!” I screamed sexily.

Having a woman screamed sexily is one of the greatest enthusiasm guys feel. The more he tried to hide it, the more his eyes increasingly gave him away.

“Stop doing what?” Jide said but this time, more daring as he pouts his face into mine.

“It’s been a while you know. . .” he said.

Jide kept his face into mine for like five minutes and who knows how much he would have stayed till a petrol tanker flashed its red lights and that crazy sound the horn always make.

“You might want to keep your eyes more on the road you know!” I winked at him and he readjusted.

“Hmmmm, never mind me, you always intrigued me anytime. Those eyes, those legs, that face, that brain, that woman! Seriously, it’s just been six months I went away and it feels like I have never met a woman before in my life even though you turned me down till I left.”

“Exactly what I need you to stop! You flirting with me Jide, not nice!” I said.

“And you enjoying every bit!” he replied.

Now I couldn’t hold my laughter. He caught me, I was really enjoying it. I love it when a guy flirts with me especially when it turns out to be someone I like! It’s not only me I guess. Most ladies like it!

Wild thoughts began to run through my mind! Hmmmm, bad girl! The worst thing that could ever happen in this SUV right now is to have that awesome experience! Well, yeah! Amaka tells me about having a sexual affair with a crush she never said yest to and how awesome it always feels shacking up with some you are not exclusive with. . . Many strings attached, less emotions involved! I want to try it some day. I love to try new things you know!

“So where are you off to?” Jide asked, breaking the silence!

“Well. . . Why didn’t you call me to tell me you are around?” I fired back.

“And why should I tell you? . . . ” he said trying to get something out of me.

“Because I know you really do wanna tell me right now.”

Now, that’s me trying to psych him.

“And why would I want to do that?” he said.

“Hmmmmm” I sighed licking my lips.

“Six months, I was away for an advanced course and you never thought it nice enough to call or reach out, even though we weren’t a thing but I did try to make us a thing but for some reasons I don’t know, you kept on turning me down. So, when I came back, which I just did yesterday, I never really thought I was one person you would be interested to see.” He said with so emotions and I can feel it.

“Awwww. . . I’m sorry but really you could have tried and see what my reaction would be but seriously, I do wanna see you!”

I couldn’t believe I just said that.

“Really?” he asked eagerly.

“Yea. . . but don’t blush.”

“I won’t. . . lol.”

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Leave me alone! You hurting me!”

I was screaming loud, hitting him and was sobbing but he never gave a damn.

I remembered the day Sola molested me. He never slept with me but he rumpled with my body. I remembered getting tired of hitting him that I just laid there at a point and allowed him have his way till he gets tired if he ever does!

We just finished sharing a nice meal of roasted plantain popularly referred to as boli with groundnut and a bottle of coke and I guessed he mixed his with an half bottle of ‘Osomo’. I got busy surfing the net and Sola began getting cozy with his mouth to my ears like a dog licking another dog’s ear wound. I told him to stop; he did and later on continued and this time, he was like a beast. . . like I’ve never seen him before.

He was voraciously eating my ears like a dessert; his hands on my breasts; then his mouth. I couldn’t take it anymore! I screamed silently sobbing. He stopped and went silent like an alcoholic trying to be sober.

I stood up, fixed my hair with my hands and I took my bag to leave.

“I’m really sorry. I’m not like this. I just really like you, you know and I missed you!”

I was silent. It felt stupid hearing a guy I was never having an affair with talking about missing me like as if we’ve been sleeping with each other or touring each other’s bodies. Some guys are beasts and it so sad have met more beasts than a cooing rabbit in a lifetime.

“At least if you must leave, can you wait while I get you something to comb your hair?”

I wasn’t angry, in fact, I couldn’t place what I was feeling; whether annoyance, hate or anger. The truth is, a guy who can harass or molest, can rape and hell be let loosed if someone ever claims this guy can’t rape!

He went in with my bag as a security measure for me not leaving by the time he returned. I took the brush, ran it through my weave, he continued to apologize till I took my leave.

He called my phone endlessly, sending texts but who cares for an apology over a cloth that has been rumpled after all there’s no light to iron it. . . How I wished he had tried it with Amaka, he’d have been in the ‘market’ by now. Mad girl!

All things being said, no grudges or unforgiveness harboured but that was the last day I was going to speak to him

 

TO BE CONTINUED

Memoirs of A Repentant Slut 3

It’s been a while I felt a sharp-thrusting in between my thighs like I did yesterday night. I remember clearly the surprise and disdain widely capitalized on Amaka’s face the day I told her I wanted to stay off sex for a while but who would have thought I was going to break my 6 months old celibacy with Papa Seun’s ‘divine sword’!

Papa Seun isn’t my type but seriously, how many ladies with a voracious sex appetite like mine considers who or who is not a type when on heat? Mtcheew! Most times, we end up having random sex with people we never thought we could have it with. Well, not ‘we’, maybe just me!

Sitting at the edge of the bed and ruminating over it all, I caught Papa Seun stealing glances at me as if it were some agile man winking at a sexy female bartender. I shook my head unbelievably at what I just rode powerfully without an energy drink. Yorubas must be definitely right about sex and foul spirits. . . There’s nothing enticing about this man on my bed but I just screwed him or did he screw me?

I hate to remember the ugly details of my ‘sexcapades’ but this one just keeps clicking for no reason. The thought of

EIt’s been a while I felt a sharp-thrusting in between my thighs like I did yesterday night. I remember clearly the surprise and disdain widely capitalized on Amaka’s face the day I told her I wanted to stay off sex for a while but who would have thought I was going to break my 6 months old celibacy with Papa Seun’s ‘divine sword’!

 

Papa Seun isn’t my type but seriously, how many ladies with a voracious sex appetite like mine considers who or who is not a type when on heat? Mtcheew! Most times, we end up having random sex with people we never thought we could have it with. Well, not ‘we’, maybe just me!

 

Sitting at the edge of the bed and ruminating over it all, I caught Papa Seun stealing glances at me as if it were some agile man winking at a sexy female bartender. I shook my head unbelievably at what I just rode powerfully without an energy drink. Yorubas must be definitely right about sex and foul spirits. . . There’s nothing enticing about this man on my bed but I just screwed him or did he screw me?

I hate to remember the ugly details of my ‘sexcapades’ but this one just keeps clicking for no reason. The thought of Eliza flashed through my mind. Obviously, that girl must definitely have an eye defect maybe color blindness. It wasn’t Amaka with Papa Seun but do I even need to spell it out that it was me? I go iron that girl mouth one day.

It’s 8.30am, I adjusted the  curtains to peep through the courtyard. It was as silent as a grave yard except for the small kids running around in their nakedness. That’s my cue, Papa Seun can now leave my room as everybody has gone about their daily jobs including the likes of Mama Seun who never takes her bath and the nosy Eliza who sees the wrong person.

“Papa Seun, come and start going o” I said silently.

Who dares struggle with a mad man, you never know if he has lost his teeth or if they are still very much sharp.

“Shey time don reach to go ni? Abeg make we do one round join na”

“E be like say something dey worry you o! No be only one round, na four”

“Nothing spoil na. I am ready for you. You sef know say I be man na. I dey hear your moans of pleasure yesterday o!”

“Papa Seun, e don do o! I go call you when I come aus for evening.”

I supported him to the door with my hands pushing him forward. Who go see free meal and no go wan pitch tent for there? I actually just lied about seeing him in the evening. We definitely won’t get to see.

I locked the door after him and I hit the showers. I removed my clothes, staring at the mirror; I stared at myself. Who says nakedness isn’t a good sight to behold. I firmly cupped my boobs with my hands, I smiled at how perky they still remain even though there were days when they were lot perkier than that.

The water sprinkled down my body, and it was so soothing and sweet but as it runs over my face, the memories of the night keeps flooding in. Papa Seun is indeed a man; little wonder why Mama Seun can never let go or behave as if he’s not missing. No woman ever likes to share her man’s goody sacs with another. And that was the only good thing about Papa Seun. Everything physical about the man was boring except that!

He’s 5ft tall, that’s how I managed to stay on top. He’s ugly but educated, Primary Six School Leaving Certificate; lol at least that’s what he said! The worst part is he’s got protruding tummy. How can someone of that body size be nursing a tummy and a whole me just devoured that piece of bread, ‘Konji’ must really be a bastard!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Ojota! Ojota! Ojota!”

Loud voices and bad breaths equals to some Agberos!

With my on point figure 8 firmly enclosed in a Denim trouser and a long-sleeved crop top, my hair tied into buns and my legs rocking a black sandal Amaka got me from Dubai, I waited by the road for an Oshodi bus with a small travelling bag and an handbag in my hand.

The early morning sun was beginning to take a peep at me and I was impatiently tired of waiting till an exotic car slowed down beside me. It was Jide, my ex!

Memoirs of A Repentant Slut 2

. . . And there I stood, it wasn’t a dream. It was me staring into the bulging faces of Mama Seun and the beautiful ‘gbeboruns’ of No. 5 pretentiously referred to as neighbours. Staring at each other, we were both lost for words for few minutes. The meeting was so awkward and it was first of its kind in the history of my co-tenancy with Mama Seun.

“Omo ilu mi, ma binu jare, na only you dey house?” Finally some words!

I made a prolonged silent hiss motivated by anger and frustration. My anger towards Mama Seun for spoiling my morning and sabotaging my sleep wasn’t a small one after all, it seemed like I wasn’t the one she was looking for.

“Mama Seun, na only me dey house, wetin happen na?” I asked with a stern in my voice and a grin at the likes of Eliza, Mama Titi and Papa Chinyere; the clueless neighbours at my doorstep.

“I dey go work o Mama Seun, wetin happen na. Answer the babe o.”

Mtcheeeew! Yeye neighbour, I felt like smacking his head. Old man sha wan talk so tey him no sabi say na weekend we dey, abi person dey go work for weekend? Maybe e dey work for mortuary, who knows!

I let it stride without expanding the comment made by Papa Chinyere so it won’t become a distraction for Mama Seun to jump into.

Papa Chinyere is one of my best neighbours in the compound. Maybe I like him because of his head sha. Bald-headed men trips me especially those with pot-belly; it somehow makes it interesting you know; and my one wish ever since I got my apartment at No. 5 was to get my hands on Papa Chinyere’s head whichever way even if it has to be the best way I know how to. I must before I leave the compound.

“Ma binu jare omo ilu mi.” Mama Seun’s response cut my imaginations short and threw me back into the reality of the moment. The woman can ‘famz’ for Africa.

The ‘omo ilu mi’ ish is what always makes me tired of her. We both happened to share the same State and Town; the only thing we never shared was our Local Government Areas. She is from the South part, while I came from the North part and we just weren’t really close but she never ceases to maximize any opportunity she has with me to flaunt the fact that we came from the same state as if it was some Dubai visa.

“I know say you go don vex since, no vex abeg. I no know say na you dey house na.” Mama Seun continued

“So you no even know who dey house before you started shouting and screaming our names to come help you join in your matter?” Mama Titi added facing Mama Seun.

“Abi o Mama Titi. Me dey waka go my room o abi na wetin?” Papa Chinyere turned to go.

“Come make we help them settle this matter na. Papa Chinyere! Come back abi na wetin sef? Na only you waka come here? Shoo!. . .”

“Ehn, Mama Titi, e don do abeg. No start another matter for my doorstep. Only you and Eliza don do to settle why Mama Seun dey bang my room early momo.” I lashed out facing each of them at a pause in utterance.

“Sebi I don tell you say make you no vex na. Ma binu simi, we no fit fight na.”

“I no vex o Mama Seun but who you con dey find?” I replied.

“Na Amaka”

‘Hehehehehehehe’. I laughed weirdly. Somehow, her response threw me off balance. Where con be the boiling point of ‘a proper madman’ and ‘an occasional madman’? Maybe at the point of insanity sha.

“Amaka no dey o. My babe has travelled since yesterday and I don’t think Amaka would be coming back anytime soon.” I gushed out.

“Itumo?”Mama Seunsked eagerly in Yoruba.

“Wetin happen sef Mama Seun? I screamed the words at her; I was already running out of patience but I couldn’t help but pity. . . A typical local Yoruba wife looking for her man!

“Well, Mama Seun, the itumo be say, Amaka ti travel, ‘mi o mo igba to ma wa’ or better still, ‘ko wa mo’. I emphasized.

The only time I speak my mother tongue is when I’m being frustrated or loosing my patience with someone; but really is that the only time I should express myself in my mother tongue? But who cares anyways, I hate when you have to repeat something all over and over again. Only God knows where  common sense has gone to in this country with some people!

“Well, e be like say you go gimme her number o because I dey find my husband.”

Now, I couldn’t contain my laughter anymore. Amaka and Baba Seun? I really don’t seem to understand.

“But Mama Seun, shey you and Amaka don dey share your husband ni because I don’t understand what Amaka or Amaka’s number has to do with your husband?”

“Me I sabi wetin I dey talk o plus God save her say I no meet her for house and help me tell her say if she like herself, make she no come back to this compound again o!”

Now, I was really beginning to laugh real hard. Mama Seun na ‘were’ (madwoman) but her madness no reach Amaka own. We both know she’s just bluffing. Somehow I seemed lost in her conversation, and the next minute, I was really feeling like I was in control of the whole situation.

“Abeg, shey your husband dey miss ni abi wetin. Fill me in na, Mama Seun, na me o, your omo ilu?” . . . I was beginning to enjoy the whole scenario now.

“Wo, leave me jare. The last time I saw my husband was yesterday morning before I go drop Seun for school and when I came back late in the evening from my outings, I couldn’t find my husband. I asked everyone, checked everywhere till Eliza told me that the last time she saw my husband was with Amaka. E for even better at least; na the way she saw them gave me concern.”

Choi! Eliza the ‘loose’ girl. When I said she is loose, that’s what I meant. Loosed-mouth everywhere. She is the type you have to be secretive with or else, ‘your own don done for Africa.’

“How she con talk say she see them o, Mama Seun?” I asked

“Sebi Eliza sef dey here na, oya talk na.” Mama Titi interfered facing Eliza with seriousness written all over her face.

“Erm! Erm! Erm!. . .”

Hehehehehehehehe, that was Eliza stammering. Mama Titi and Mama Seun were wondering about the reason for her sudden slow in speech and were pressuring her to talk but ‘sebi na only sane person go sabi why insane man dey chop savage on top refuse dump.’ Indirectly, I sabi wetin dey make Eliza stammer. Eliza no wan chop another dose of me, but whether convenient or no, Eliza just have to talk o. Mama Seun won’t allow her not to and I won’t allow her to miss my dose either!

“Erm, Erm, I saw Aunty Amaka putting a measurement tape around Baba Seun’s thing.!”

“Ah! Lobatan o!” Mama Titi screamed

“Which one con be thing na, you better talk well well.” Mama Seun screamed.

“Erm, I mean say, Aunty Amaka was measuring Baba Seun’s thing.” Eliza said, making gestural descriptions.

“Was she holding it or how she dey take measure am?”

“Errrm! E don do o Mama Titi!” I lashed out. The woman too like male anatomy but people don’t see it because Mama Titi gets to hide it well under her ‘spirikoko’ attitude but as Amaka dey take talk am, “Na one robber fit identify the other.” I couldn’t help but laugh at the whole scenario. Baba Seun isn’t Amaka’s type. Maybe whatever they were doing was misunderstood by Eliza and that one sef go hear am from me.

“Well, Mama Seun, I would try and reach Amaka for you because her number is presently not available and whatever that was Eliza saw, I’m sure she misunderstood it.”

“Okay o! Sha warn the stupid girl for me, make e no go chop poison one day.”

Mama Seun hissed and left. Wow! I just had a comic morning of my life. I just lied to Mama Seun about Amaka’s number not reachable but seriously what would Mama Seun have said to Amaka if I had given the number to her? Well, na Mama Seun sabi o!

I entered my room to an annoying sound like a grunting of the pig! Yeah right! That was a man snoring on my bed; yet he has no potbelly and less fat, except for the thing in-between his legs. Been there, done well! Lol!

“Bebe, come to bed now!”

“Thought you still sleeping?”

What kind of man snores and yet he is awake? I murmured to myself.

“Been awake since jare! What was that about?”

“Your wife is such a raging bitch you know. . .”